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Nightmares.

I tend to hate admitting that I'm vulnerable. Late at night, my nightmares feel like they are too much to bare, voices hound my thoughts, monsters from the dark reach out to me and force me to wake up, sweating violently, I apologize to my future wife. You will have to see me at my weakest moment and I may never forgive myself for that, because one day, you'll realize that it never was any monster chasing me. Just me and only me. I fear you wouldn't be able to accept it or handle it and leave, because you fear the parasite that is my mind and even more so, me. If I can barely handle my own nightmares, what hope do I have that she would be able to with me? Guess it's another sleepless night, right before I have to work a ten hour shift.

Update on the birthday dinner.

So the dinner went really well. It was the perfect blend of spontaneity and planned. She gave me permission to go all out so I surprised her with her favorite flowers on her doorstep with a birthday card. I picked her up and arrived on time to the restaurant which was out doors in the moonlight with candles. When dessert came, the staff wrote happy birthday with her name on the plate and a birthday candle, she cried tears of joy and the pianist played happy birthday as she blew out the candle. We went to a park for a walk, gave her the present I got her, left it in the car and talked until the sprinklers came on and then took her by the hand and ran through the sprinklers. It was a really great night and while she let me down nicely at the end of the night. She was afraid of breaking my heart because I was the nicest guy but she simply didn't feel the same and honestly, I wasn't surprised. I didn't let it ruin the night because I was just happy to get it off my chest and was glad to remain her best friend. All in all, it was a wonderful night for both of us.

Q: Is it anymore obvious? And should I tell her?

My relationship with this girl is very complicated. She is my best friend of over five years and she is also my "first" we were both in a bad place when it happened but as a few years past, I realized I wasn't just infatuated with her, we connect so well, she's even noticed it. Our tastes are so similar, we can talk for hours. I've had feelings for her once before and she rebuffed my affection stating that she didn't feel the same at the time. I feel as though I should give it another shot since now we are both in a better place, but I would like a second opinion. I'm torn between this. and I can't help but feel as though I can't get closure without telling her. plus I've tried to stop my feelings but there's something about her. something I can't just forget about. P.S. I've always wanted to go to Iceland and me asking her to go was a reference to how I always wanted to go with someone I loved and I'm not sure if she remembers or put two and two together.
2DistractedI agree on waiting at least. But if it ok id like to give my 2 cents from a girls perspective and one who's experienced a lot of life as well as this exact scenario. I can almost guarantee she remembers what Iceland means to you. Typically girls don't forget that kind of knowledge that shared from someone they are really close to. Also I can almost guarantee she already knows that you still have strong feelings for her still. I guess it boils down to how much of a friend she is to you. It is so rare that there aren't deep feelings that develop on one party or both when in a close friendship with opposite sex. There is a reason you were drawn to her as a friend, qualities you appreciated, things you had in common so it seems only natural that as the friendships develops and gets closer all those things that drew you to her would increase and even more are discovered making the connection stronger and more emotionally binding. I feel its the natural process of things. I was mostly friends with only guys in high school. I hated girl drama and guys weren't catty and etc! well a couple very close close guy friends I would have described my feelings for exactly as you did of your interest just grew and grew as our friendship did. Then we decided to date. when it didn't work out and one said lets just go back to being friends that was an impossibility after crossing over the line. I'm sure some are able but it is so rare to ever be able to go back as your were in closeness as friends. So I ultimately lost these amazing friends! So the question becomes is it worth the risk? the fact that you were able to experience your first time together and go back to just a friendship is pretty amazing but I think you said that things were different after. I really hope I didn't offend you in any way sharing this but I've lost a couple really great guys due to taking the risk. it ended up not worth it cuz I lost them entirely.So give a lot of thought on your decision. sorry to go on and on!!!