Its horrible how badly I want to tell her. I almost did last week but I changed my mind at the last minute. But I can't help thinking I'd be telling her for any reason other than to hurt her. Everytime I see her picture on fb all I can think about is how I could wipe that smile off her face real quick. I'm awful I know it's not her fault her husband is a cheater. That he pursued me like no one before. That he tells me if he'd met me before her we'd be married. That I'm a million times better in bed then her. In the end no matter whether I tell her or not it won't change anything they'll still be married they'll still be expecting a child and I'm still going to hell.


I'm not perfect never will be. I'm not an awful person but I've done awful things. For these awful things I've done I know I deserve the awful pain I feel now. And I have to learn to live with it or else I will lose my mind. But how does one go about being ok with watching the one you love be happy with someone else. Yes she met him first. Yes he made a commitment to her before he met me. Yes she and I deserve better. Yes I'm going to hell for my roll in all this but I feel like from the moment he and I connect my heart has been in charge. My stupid lonely heart. The same heart that didn't allow anyone else to get close to me for over 10 years. The same heart that stayed strong through some many almost relationship with guys that didn't appreciate me. The same heart that now will not allow me to walk away even though my mind is telling me its time to move on. That it was fine while it lasted but if I don't go now I'm going to be in worst pain then I could imagine because I'm not he's forever girl. I'm not the one he's going to have kids with grow old with I'm just the fun girl. Yes we had a great time together yes we had amazing sex. Yes he confided in he's insecurities, he's hopes, he's dreams, he's deepest darkest secrets that he wouldn't even trust to tell her. Yes he treated like queen. But at the end of the day she will get her happy ending and where will I end up. Do get a happy ending? Do I even deserve it? probably not