A Great Love Story:
I am a guy with simple wishes and one of those wishes is to get off that little cloud I'm that says "stay with Xi Zui Zu". The amount of times I have failed to make her happy is uncountable. My impulsive thoughts are always misleading and they never make sense. They drive me to do things I never wanted to do. Zui is someone who I really want to make things right with and forget about all the fighting. We broke up one time due to me and my selfish behavior. I betrayed her. I cheated on her. At the time my head was blurry, I had no idea of what I was doing only that I knew it wasn't right but I was enjoying it anyways. I told Zui what I did wrong and of course she never forgave me and now... well I don't know, she hasn't been the same. I try to talk to her and reason with her but it's all pieces of paper burned to ashes. Call me an obsessed man but sometimes I do think about giving up on her and letting her go but I can't. It hurts to think of seeing her with someone who isn't me. Someone who can touch her, kiss her, and hug her.
(But don't you think she deserves better?, no offense)
I do, lots of time and I've told her. She gave me a chance to make things right and fix our relationship. I'm trying to change for her, not for any other person. I have a lot of problems. I have a brother with serious issues and a mother who cries everynight, a father who is the cause of her suffering.
(You're Youngjae's brother?)
You know about him? he's my brother. He's been the way he is since he was little but it wasn't as serious or noticeable. Now, everytime I look at him I see hints of fear and despair. He once had seizure at a family reunion. You could tell he was trying to hold back but his efforts were stalemate. He collapsed on mom's arms and was quickly taken to a hospital. I wasn't allowed to visit because I was the youngest in the family and they were afraid I would be scarred and have night terrors. So everyday I spent my time worrying whether by brother was ok or not and if he was, at least, alive. He was sent back home after two days and we were told about his diagnosis. He was... sick- very sick actually so mom and dad decided it was the right thing to send him to a hospital for people... like him. After all of those years I still remember what he said to me before he left: " I'll be ok bro, don't worry. You'll see me soo- possibly a better me". His words hurt me because he thought that he was a failure and a nobody.
I went to visit him at the hospital one time. No one had told me of what had happened that day- all I heard was that he was yelling and screaming "Satan". When I entered the room he was tied to a hospital bed and passed out. There was a psychiatrist sitting on one of the chairs, I'm guessing he was waiting for him to wake up. Mom came a few hours later and as always she started crying. She looked at Jae in his state and just cried her eyes out. After a few hours Jae was awake and he was surprisingly calm. He was the Jae I remembered 12 years ago. The Youngjae who was calm, playful, stubborn and kind. He looked at mom first then at me. He said " Bambi, bro, I'm so sorry", he started to cry seconds later and kept on apologizing to me but not at mom. It wasn't surprising because he never felt like there was a reason to apologize to her for. Mom didn't react either because she's used to being treated like a third-wheel, something that dad always does to her.
(What caused Youngjae to hate her?)
She slept with dad's brother and we cought her in the act. I always knew it would happen given the way they always looked at each other with a lusty feeling. Youngjae was obviously displeased but he never realized that dad's brother treated mother way better than dad would. He treated her with care and, well, like any woman should be treated. I was happy for her but disappointed at the same time. When father found out he went ballistic and screamed at her, beat her and insulted her. Uncle Yung Soo was there for her again and comforted her. I told mom to divorse mom if he treated her that way but she couldn't leave him because he provides us with everything we have. Since that day dad and uncle Yung Soo never spoke and he would come back home drunk and again beat my mom. I could hear her screaming in pain so I went and defended her, YoungJae did the same that day he was sent home for visiting but he was hesitant at first. Dad was thrown back and stabbed by Jae and I told my mom to go to uncle Yung Soo.
(What did your dad do?)
He became afraid of Jae. He survived the stabbing but even though it didn't kill him he still thought about death. Mom refused to leave him because she knew he would hurt uncle Young Soo. She wouldn't risk him. She's been dealing with all the beating herself. There are times when she fights back and wins but other times she lets it happen because she says she doesn't want to live. I feel a deep pain for mom but what can I do to help her? therapy isn't helping and trying to change her way of thinking isn't a help either.
My words are just pieces of paper burned to ashes.
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