Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?
Writing sometimes seems like about all I have left, the only outlet for this outpouring of thoughts and frustrations and emotion. I feel like this supernova of upheaval, this universe, all pulsating and transmogrifying, will not be bound to the confines of my finite mind. Restraint, though, is necessary these days. Otherwise, I might find myself entirely unhinged. Who knows what trouble I might find for myself then?
The man I was in love with for 13 years is gone. I feel a lightness I have not felt in ages...and yet, perhaps it's just emptiness. Yes, an emptiness I admittedly dread.
The man who had started to permeate my very dreams is gone, too. And I'm not sure how I feel about love anymore. I have never really sought it out before, but it seemed like it found me when I needed it. Not really one to try to win anyone over either. If someone wants to walk away, who am I to beg them to stay?
Yet, I find myself wanting to...wanting to jump on a plane and just go where my heart feels inexplicably drawn. I'm staying grounded, for now. Chasing phantoms in my mind before I chase the real intangibles. You know...fear of rejection, fear of change, fear of finding whatever it is my heart is seeking. And ohhhh, I can feel it seeking! Like a freaking bloodhound! Trying to hold it back is like trying to pen a T-rex, while a leg of lamb is draped across my shoulder. There are too many unknowns to just dive in, to just jump across the pond, and although I tend to dive in head first, I never dive in blindfolded. Maybe I should, though. Maybe I should stop trying to plan every step, read every letter, and just skip to the end of the book to see if everything sorts itself out.
And maybe I should close my eyes and let this beehive of jumbled thoughts rest awhile.