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nmdarts
3 months ago
16
Dear Significant Other, I realise now that these letters are for me more than they are for you. It is easier like this, exploring myself. It is easier when it is addressed to a currently imaginary person. I've been trying to write about apathy and I do not know why, it's like I want to feel more but whenever I start I think of a million reasons not to. I believe that hearts are safer in cages but extremely beautiful when set free. I'm just not 100% sure if I want to be beautiful or safe. C.S.Lewis was spot on for this but I am at a crossroad, I keep alternating between the two paths even though I know love I where I want to live, it is the only way I know how to live. I don't like apathy. I don't like safety. I think feeling anything at all is beautiful, reminds us that we are alive yet I still consider emptiness. This is all so frustrating. It's like the flow in my writing is disappearing because these are all things I would rather not think about. I'm actually so used to hearing "wow, you're overthinking" or "be happy" but what people fail to understand is I am happy. I have sad moments but I am a happy person. I want love. I really want love. Not boyfriend/girlfriend things, although they would be nice. I mean actual love, the type of love where you can be who you are around people without fear of judgement even though they are probably judging you. I know I am an idealist more often than not but I'm cool with that. I'm silly. I'm playful. I'm serious when I need to be but Lord help me, I need to feel. I need to write to you more. love yours, N.M.D

nmdarts
4 months ago
15
Dear Significant other, I am learning about struggle. Mostly internal. I now believe it is something we all go through, it seems to come about more often when you don't agree with the things going on around you so it can be a sign that you're living "right" but that also depends on what causes this struggle... I want to hold on to my morals, not for your sake... for mine. I always address these letters to you but they are more for me if I am totally honest. This struggle makes reaching out to people feel like such a challenge. I am trying to unlearn a lot. There is a thin line that separates a funny joke from an offensive one, that line has been shifting a lot lately; the more I learn, the more I get stressed. There is so much evil in this world. I feel like there is a lot of evil in me. I don't like it. I don't like the fact that it is even possible. I know there is good as well, I love the good. I love watching it grow but the bad does haunt me a lot, the endless possibilities. Sometimes tears flow out of one eye but just collect in the other, I don't understand it. Clearly I don't understand a lot but that is okay, I am learning to love the things I can't understand. Learning to hate them as well. "Being given the strength to endure doesn't mean it won't hurt to do so." I just saw this. It hit deep. It hurts so much and I am tired. I am so tired but quiting is not an option. I belong to God, God gives me rest, God comforts me, God guides me. I need to follow more. I think about peace a lot. Peace of mind I mean. It is strange but I do not think it is a constant thing in this world. It comes and goes like the wind. I don't mind anymore. I wonder if I will ever let myself fully pursue love... Maybe one day I will expand on that thought, farewell for now... Love yours,
#Quotes#Poetry+ 3 interests

nmdarts
5 months ago
13
Dear significant other, I am frustrated. I have probably said this before but I feel like letting go of emotions. They rarely stop me from getting work done, which is a good thing but I am tired. I don't know why I still write these, I just do. I'm sitting here, thinking about the life I want to live. How I want to handle things. Recently I've been thinking about what God wants as well, what God wants for my life. I came to the realisation that forgiveness is for my sake, not God's. I am so tired. I apologise when I express myself too much... maybe it's because part of me still has that macho attitude I grew up learning. It's like I am fighting two different sides of me, I know that both sides are accepted in society to an extent and both are rejected as well so I have to choose for me. It actually hurts. Knowing that a side of me believes that this is not what a "man" is, a side of me questions this so much. Sometimes when I cry my face is blank. The tears aren't hot. I don't weep. They leave a trail as they travel down my face and that's it. I don't try to wipe them. I want to believe that there is nothing wrong with me, that this is normal, every one goes through this. I really do. "I am tired" is what I say when I don't want to deal with things. I think the world needs more spaces where people can just go and scream. Scream their lungs out until they feel like they don't need to scream anymore. I'm tired. I pray my heart can love you.