When you're in your 20s, your dating life undergoes quite the evolution. The guy you'd probably crush on in high school is certainly nothing like the guy you'll eventually settle down with.
There'll be bad boys, nice guys, man children, and GQ types. There'll be the guy who has it all together, the guy who's perpetually unemployed, and the guy whose ears might be listening to you, but has his eyes everywhere else.
Now what if these guys were shoes?
I thought it might be fun to write a card pairing up the different guys you'll date in life with the shoes that best represent them. If you're feeling inspired, let me know what kind of shoe YOUR ex would be in the comment section below!
Chuck Taylors (The More Scuffed, The Better)
The Sensitive Man-Child
Why You'll Date Him: He'll win you over with his awesome taste in music and his alternative perspective on life. Your romance will have that cozy, lived-in feeling right off the bat. Everything will feel so comfortable.
Why You'll Break Up: Sure, your younger brother got along with him just fine, but you'll realize soon that he's kind of a deadbeat. His lack of realistic life goals will stress you out, as will his frugal spending habits.
Birkenstocks (With Or Without Socks)
The Complete Opposite
Why You'll Date Him: Everything about him that initially got on your nerves will eventually turn into the same reasons you like him so much. He'll get you interested in things you never thought you'd actually like, and you'll gain new perspective.
Why You'll Break Up: Friends still don't know what you were smoking when you thought this was a good idea. And you'll find that sometimes you're quite honestly embarrassed to be seen with him in public. There was just too much clash.
The Identical Twin
Why You'll Date Him: After your fling with The Complete Opposite, you'll be dying for a relationship with someone that's a little more your speed. You have all the same likes, all the same dislikes, and the same sense of humor.
Why You'll Break Up: How BORING is it to be dating someone who doesn't bring anything new to the table? Plus, your fights are always horrible. Why? Because not only do you share the same favorite movie, but jealous streak too.
The Athletic Man-Child
Why You'll Date Him: You'll meet him on a camping trip you were dreading going on, and he'll be the only part of it that was worth it. (Mosquitos + No Wi-Fi = Yuck.) He'll get you in touch with your adventurous side.
Why You'll Break Up: After the third or fourth weekend hiking trip, you'll get a little sick of his equally enthusiastic outdoorsy friends. Plus, he'll probably have a really obnoxious weed habit he hasn't outgrown and smell like hash and REI.
The Ambitious Narcissist
Why You'll Date Him: He has a well-paying job, an MBA, and a fabulous apartment. He'll have you feeling like a woman in an adult relationship and make you realize all those past relationships were more like 'babysitting'.
Why You'll Break Up: His arrogance will start getting toxic over time. He'll dump you once you get too comfortable, and be onto the next girl within the blink of an eye. Don't worry. He was kind of a sociopath anyway.
Nike Running Shoes
The Gym Rat
Why You'll Date Him: He'll be your personal trainer, your kickboxing coach, or the guy a few treadmills down. Your workout schedule syncs up so much that you think: "Hey, why not?" You'll go on jogging dates and get really into whey protein.
Why You'll Break Up: Sometimes you wonder if he cares more about his body fat percentage than your feelings. He'll shame you for indulging in that double-scoop of gelato, and your friend will think he's a total meathead.
Sperry Boat Shoes
The Preppy Frat Boy
Why You'll Date Him: He's well-versed in a number of different topics. Plus he's got impeccable hygiene compared to The Sensitive Man-Child. He's great with your parents and loves planning showy romantic surprises for you.
Why You'll Break Up: Every opinion he has is a regurgitation of whatever he heard this week on NPR. His whole 'I'm a male feminist.' schtick will just turn out being his phony way of getting chicks. Plus you're sick of listening to Vampire Weekend.
Fake Chanel Flats
The Cheating Jerk
Why You'll Date Him: He knows exactly what you need in every situation. He always knows what to do and say, plus he seems extremely cultured. His adaptable personality will impress your friends AND your family. He has a great car.
Why You'll Break Up: What a phony. You'll discover that the him you knew was the him he wanted you to think he is. The true him is just fake, ugly, and that car? He can hardly keep up on the payments. (And yo, why's he got two phones?)
So what kind of 'shoes' have you dated? Which ones did I leave out?
(And guys of Vingle, no harm intended. You're all the best shoes ever.)