a year ago
Apecave
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Saying "I love you" - Why we tiptoe around it or don't say it at all.
I was reminded by a writer on Vingle, LizArone that many people have trouble saying I love you because they think there are some sort of “rules” or they’re afraid of losing the “upper hand” or control of the “game”.

Her point of the article was to encourage others to not have reservations about saying I love you, primarily because it makes people feel good. Basically, why would you not want to say something awesome to make someone you care about feel good?

"A lot of the ways that evolution influences us don't ever enter the level of consciousness," Kendrick said. "People won't say they like chocolate because it had benefits for our ancestors. They just say they like it. We do what feels right, whether or not people are consciously playing the game ."

Local freelance journalist and Disovery.com contributor reported that evolutionary impulses may drive people to play dating games, even when their emotions feel genuine on the inside, according to Douglas Kendrick, a social psychologist at Arizona State University in Tempe.
If you aren’t ready to say it or put yourself out there, you aren’t the only one. New research shows that many “play the game”. Especially women.

Why?

Playing the game tests the commitment and quality of your “could be” mate.

Published in the European Journal of Personality, “Playing Hard-to-Get: Manipulating One’s Perceived Availability as a Mate” Peter K. Jonason and Norman P., say women may exhibit this quality more "Because a woman risks more in her sexual relationships than men do – pregnancy costs – she should want a mate who has higher value and is unlikely to leave her saddled with an offspring." Which could be why it is perceived, why men "should" say it first - to make the woman feel more secure.

Either way our Vingle friend, Liz may be right:

“If you are seeking to have more control, the upper hand, or are worried about looking needy, your relationship is not stable enough for actual love yet ”.


Have you ever experienced similar feelings? How did you deal with them?
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Interesting. I tend to have a completely opposite problem. I've always been very passionate in Everything that I do. I tend to be wide open with someone once I let them get to know the real me. If we get to that place where I'm opening up emotionally, then it's pretty big for me. So, I have a tendency to just say whatever I'm thinking. My husband was my best friend and we had known each other since I was 8 years old. He was used to my quirks. Now he's been gone for almost 6 years and I've had to really relearn how to date. Some men don't WANT to hear "I love you", ever. They'll tell you that straight up. Some will use the words to play a woman like a puppet... And then accuse Her of playing games. And then there are some really Great men who can't trust a word out of your mouth because so many game playing women have ruined them for the rest of us. The games are petty and stupid. I think we just have to say what we mean and mean what we say. Trust me, life is too damn short not to.
Yes yes yes @ButterflyBlu, so true. Life is too short to waste on people who aren't secure enough to hear the words "I love you," and know what to do with them. Coming on too strong, scaring people off... so maybe we have these problems once in a while, but it's actually a really good thing! Because it keeps the losers farrrr away from us. Give me someone real, emotionally available, and courageous about sharing their feelings.
I think that when people put so much emphasis on the control, on the 'power', then we lose sight of the beauty of loving someone. I say this, but even so, I've felt this kind of dynamic in my relationship. I was the first person to say those three little words, and it took a full two months before she said them back to me. It was a stressful two months, having put my heart on the line and forsaken some of my 'control' but I think ultimately, it was rewarding, and I'm happier for it.