ButterflyBlu
2 years ago500+ Views
How do I look into these angel eyes
and tell him the thing
that I haven't even accepted yet?
I am supposed to keep moving and doing,
when all I really want is to lay down,
hold this child
and pray
and prepare
for the moment
when he begins to understand.
But instead,
I am playing the role of gracious hostess
to all of these people who were touched
by something you said
or did
or wrote
years ago.
"Yes, I am fine."
No, I'm not.
"No, I don't need anything."
You can't help me.
"Thank you. We appreciate that."
What did you say?
"Thank you.
Yes, yes, thank you."
Please. Leave.
I dress him in his best
and cry as he spins and giggles
and tells me he's so excited...
and...
"Mommy,
why are you sad?"
I have to smile for him so that he will smile back,
and everything is okay again...
because Mommy is smiling.
I dread this.
I can't do this, honey...
I register the surprise in his eyes
that we are having Sunday School
on Thursday.
But, then,
I can tell he knows
that something here
isn't
quite
right.
I have to do it now,
I know,
and I ask them all,
please wait outside,
for a few minutes only,
please.
And he knows
something is very wrong...
and
"Mommy,
what is that?"
I take him in my arms
though he is way too heavy for this anymore,
but I cant let him feel alone,
as I do now
and
Dammit!
You were supposed to be here
for these difficult days.
Why...
He sees
and gasps
and cocks his head.
"Mommy?
Mommy,
why is Daddy here?
Is he sleeping?"
Whispering, he reaches.
"Daddy...
Daddy, wake up.
Now..."
And he trembles
and turns the angel eyes to the one he trusts most
and agony crushes my heart.
His fat hands press into my cheeks,
wet and hot from tears.
"Mommy... Is Daddy going to wake up?"
"Oh.
Is he in the sky now?"
"Ok.
Will he come back?"
"Why not?"
"You crying?"
"It's ok Mommy. I not go."
*****
It's nice here.
Quiet.
Your mother has him today.
He can't quite grasp yet
why you're "in the dirt",
as he told his teacher.
He made you this necklace at school.
See?
It's colored macaroni,
just like you picked on me for doing
years ago.
He's smart and kind and clumsy
and funny
just like his Daddy.
He understands when I cry
and tells me,
"everything is ok."
And it is.
I miss you
but I see you
every time he smiles.
Our angel.
I guess this is
Good Bye.
Protect him please.
I'll never be enough
without you.
© 2009 SJS - All Rights Reserved.
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I'm sorry, @VinMcCarthy. I tend to write about what hurts me most. I have to deal somehow. :(
2 years ago·Reply
Or I should clarify: I tend to write when I feel the most intensity. Maybe that makes sense? (Or when I'm told to, considering work.)
2 years ago·Reply
@butterflyblu I get that! I wasn't trying to make you feel bad! It's just that your writing is so good and so emotional that those emotions translate. I cannot empathize with these feelings, but I can sympathize. or vice versa...whichever one is more accurate.
2 years ago·Reply
Oh no, @VinMcCarthy, you didn't make me feel bad. I was already like this tonight, lol. Thank you for the compliment. It means a lot. This was a hard one.
2 years ago·Reply
@butterflyblu no problem. I hope things feel better. or get better. or easier, whatever the case may be.
2 years ago·Reply
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