They say breakups are the hardest, so I'm going to make this as easy as possible. We've had an on again, off again relationship for quite some time now. We've had our good days and of course we've had our bad days, but I think it's time we call it quits. Ever since we got back on the good foot, I've found myself relying on you constantly. Not only have you tricked my taste buds into thinking you're what's good for me, but you've caused me to gain weight [not a large amount, but it's enough].
Before you jump down my throat, I also blame myself.
I gave in to your sneaky ways and I must admit, at the time I didn't mind it. You know how to keep a girl happy -- I'll give you that. But when I ask for a little distance and time, you always seem to pop right back up. You're on every street corner, in every bookstore and you're even sold in grocery stores now. Don't know you what personal space is? I love you, believe me I do, but our relationship is the furthest from healthy [pun intended].
As sweet as you are, it's best that we go our separate ways. I know you're going to try and pull me back in [like you always do]. You know how much I love pumpkin spice and the season is swiftly approaching, but I refuse to give in. Please don't send me anymore coupons in the mail or anymore emails reminding me that your pumpkin spice items contain real pumpkin this season. You're not good for me. But like Kanye West once said, "everything that's bad for you always has a tendency to make you feel good." Well you know what? If it's bad -- I don't want it.
We've had some amazing years, but I'm doing this for myself, for my health and for you. Yes, you. If we had kept this thing going any longer l would buy you out of pumpkin spice and would be right back at the weight I was one year ago. Trust me, neither one of us want that. I wish you the best. There are plenty of loyal customers out there, choose wisely. And when she asks you for extra whipped cream, do her a favor and go light.
A Faithful Customer