Your relationship is on the ropes, it seems like everything is going wrong and it's just a matter of time before the two of you call it quits. And now you have a constant headache when wonder how you're going to end things. Don't worry, this is okay. Here are three surefire ways to effectively break up with your significant other.
This is the lowest of the low-impact ways to break up with somebody. It's honestly a little shitty -- having done it and then having it happen to me -- but hey, you're a busy person, right? So, just stay busy. The best/worst thing you can do is start typing a little bit and leave that weird bubble for them to stare at. After a couple of weeks, they'll get the message that you want to stop sending them all kinds of messages.
Warning: This is really hard to accomplish if your significant other knows where you live. So move away or something.
Over the Phone. In song. Band optional.
I know you know how to play an instrument. It could be the recorder, the ukulele, a guitar, Garage Band on the Macbook Pro you use for your "blogging job", whatever. Just write a quick little thing and call them up and sing your tune. It'll come off real romantic at first, especially if you start out by saying "Babe, there's this song I want to play you" and then proceed to play a weird, sad, song about feeling stuck in a relationship. She'll probably hang up on you when you get to the chorus. If you have your band with you (of course you have a band you tight pants wearing weirdo), she'll probably hang up on you when she realizes she's on speaker phone.
Warning: This takes a lot of effort. So, you know, maybe you should just go with option one. And you have to write a song, so there's that.
Romantic Date in Town
Yes, that's right. A romantic dinner, or lunch, or breakfast, it really depends on what you're trying to do for the rest of the day. The important thing about this break up strategy is to pay for everything, be super nice, and pretend that you feel the way you used to. Hold hands, walk to the pier, stare at the water, and throw bread at the ducks. You know, all that rom-com stuff. And since your relationship is two-steps away from falling off a cliff, at the end of your date your significant other will ask you, "why, why are you doing all this?"
And you need to make sure that you respond with, "because I'm breaking up with you and I want you to have one last good memory of us."
Warning: This is kind of dramatic. Also, it might not even work. You might have to revert to option one if it doesn't.
If none of these options work, you know, you can always be an adult and talk to your significant other. But who has time for that, right?