2 years ago
paulisadroid
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[Subject is distraught. Chain-smoking cigarettes. Smoking number four, now. Must investigate further.]
I don't know how to talk about it.
You need to give me some time.
I'm constantly finding myself in awkward positions, you know? And not the kind of position where it's like, oh it's weird to talk to this person so I'm just going to turn red and giggle. It's more of, like, life changing awkward. Terribly awkward. Unfortunately awkward.
You want me to talk about what happened over the weekend, don't you? Alright, fine. [Subject takes deep breath, lights another cigarette] You want to know the exact awkward situation fine. I keep trying to end it, you know? Like, quit on everyone. I've been trying to do that every weekend for the past month. And you know, it's kind of hard when I have to meet up with you and have these stupid fucking conversations.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I know you're asking because I know The Organization found out and they want to make sure I'm okay. Like, through you, they want to know I'm fine. And I am, I'm fine. I really am. I'm just frustrated.
I have a life outside of these questions, you know? So, so there I was. Standing on The Bridge and I just thought about everything. I thought about my life and the way it turned out. I thought about you and how things didn't work out. I thought about how everything is crumbling in front of me, you know? And it really felt like the only way out. So, I jumped. I jumped into this goddamn river and I didn't break anything, I should have but I didn't. I just let myself get carried away by the current and tried my best to stay under and I guess I passed out or whatever happens to you when you're drowning because the next thing I remember is my best friend on top of me and me coughing up a bunch of water.
And he told me he saw me jump as he was driving by so he raced down to get me -- it turns out my body didn't travel that far -- and he saved my life. He saved my life. And that's what frustrates me. It took a near-death experience for me to realize how important I am. That I sort of belong here. That I'm not some waste of space.
Yeah, my friend and I talked for a long time. I'm grateful. I'm glad he was there. I'm glad I'm still alive. But I'm upset it took me this long to realize how life is worth living.
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