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Lost and Confused

Just gonna vent... to organize my thoughts, I suppose. Not to sound cocky, but I've never gone after a female in my life. And it surprises me how I've ever been in a relationship lol but, anywho, The girl always has initiated it, and I've always gone along with the boundaries that they silently set, and that's how I get into relationships... And for the past 7 years since my first girlfriend, it hasn't worked. So I need to change that... But how? I have zero idea how to start talking to somebody with the intention of creating a relationship out of it. I suppose it makes it slightly more difficult, sort of, that we've known each other for a while. I know her past, she knows mine... The reasons I'm attracted to her, and the reasons why I'm considering pursuing her, is because, as anybody who knows me, knows that I'm a bit... Reckless and independent? Uncontrollable? Out of control? Crazy? Lol I say and do things that surprise and shock people and make people say, "Fucking Brandon" whilst shaking their head and laughing/smiling. I don't back down often. I can count on one hand how many times I've been stopped or backed down in a group or situation from something. I know for certain that she would be able to control me. I know for certain she'd call me out on my shit. It's also what scared me from her all those years ago. I KNOW she'll call me out on any bullshit. I KNOW she'll pull me out of my comfort zone. I know that if I'm sarcastic or a smart ass to her, I'll get a retort fired right back at me. Our teasing and fighting is what makes she and I, US. We've known each other for five years, and we've always clashed. And that's what I love about her and find so sexy and alluring. She's the one person in my life who would be able to slow me down/keep up with me. I know for certain that my life would be drastically improved with her by my side. I know for certain we'd make an ideal couple, because, along everything I just stated, and as well as I've said, we know each other's shortcomings and strengths. When we're together, when I look into her eyes, or when I'm staring at her and then she meets my gaze and makes a face, when I hear her laugh, when we're arguing, when we're sitting on a bench at 2 A.M. Listening to music and singing along, there's... A feeling... A powerful feeling of awkward completeness... I don't know how else to say that. I feel whole when I'm around her. It's nothing I've ever felt with anybody else. It's taken me forever to realize it. And I'm a fool for wasting this much time not being with her. But... How do you know when to stop? This needless arguing and ignoring that she does. I don't understand it. The whole stopping talking to me over little things that never would've bothered her a few months ago. The dating apps. The constant adding of males on Facebook.... I just don't know about what's been changing. I don't care about the pain. I don't care about us fighting. I don't care about my emotions. I never have. I'm not the important one when it comes to relationships. I always consider the other person first. I just know.... I love her. And that she's the best person for me. And that I actually want to be with her. But when do I draw the line? Where? How do I tell myself it's enough and work on healing myself when she's everywhere in my thoughts?
β€œDo you ever think about how good we’d be together?” She asked him as they lay in his bed for the third time that week. She glanced over at him to find that lazy smile on his lips, the one that always made her feel at ease. β€œAll the fucking time,” he chuckled, β€œI think of all the dates I’d take you on and all the moments in between where I’d steal kisses and don’t even get me started on our sex life.” He turned to face her and reached over to run his hand through her butterscotch hair. β€œBut then I realise that I love you and you love me, but it would never be enough. We would fight all the fucking time, and we’d run because you and I both know that we can only take so much fight before we realise that flight hurts less. Neither of us have ever know how to commit.” He sighed and wrapped his arms around her, the way he always did when she needed comfort. β€œWe’d be good until we weren’t anymore. You’re special. You’re perfect for me in every way and I would ruin you and you would ruin me until we couldn’t stand the sight of each other anymore. I love you, but we’re better off like this.” And it hurt. But it was true. Two flight risks with a fear of anything more than temporary would always end the same way - with a crash.
I gotta add my voice to the chorus here: just do it. You don't get anything or anywhere in life from just pussyfooting around. You gotta be willing to put yourself out there, be willing to be dumb, and vulnerable, and reckless. Odds might not be in your favor, or they might. that can't matter. what has to matter is whether or not you can look back one day and not have to say "If only I'd given it a shot"
I agree with @ButterflyBlu, because you can't kno by wondering. At least suggest it to her, get her opinion. The longer you take, the more likely it is that you'll lose your chance with her.
You have to go for it. Life's too short, sir. Don't let time just waste away... I know it's hard. I know it feels like you can't win because you might actually Lose. But can you accept Never telling her how you feel? If that answer is no, then you have to go for it... right?
@arellano1052 well I think that part of this is that you need to open that dialogue with her. I've been dating my girlfriend for 5 years and I'd be lying if Isaid we didn't get into dumbass petty arguments over nothing. the important thing is just to come back around after cooling down and talking like adults now and again. you should let her know that you're in this for exclusivity, that you're not trying to weigh options. all people are inconsistent. people who are consistent are generally boring people. you have to recognize that and determine if her inconsistent and your inconsisteny consistently come together in a good way, lol
@ButterflyBlu @TerrecaRiley @VinMcCarthy the "Doing it" has already happened. The courting is happening. I've gone to dinner with her parents and she has also with mine. We've gone out on two dates since, after three months of playing around. This post was about trying to figure out how much of her being inconsistent I should deal with. Like, our late night spent together was great two days ago. But then the day after, yesterday, she got mad over something as tiny as a disagreement over a word, and we didn't talk at all. I understand that we all have bad days, I understand we aren't going to always get along, because hell, she and I are too alike, but different (I'm sure that makes sense lol), but there's a point where this shit isn't worth staying for. I mean, shit. We're 20 years old. But I don't know where to draw the line. I suppose it'd be easiest to talk to her and bring up how illogical and pointless it is to overreact, but I'm told that it's not a good idea to tell a woman to calm down ;p That's also why it's a vent. Because I don't know how to handle the situation. The meeting of parents and family is a huge deal to me. But apparently, not everybody holds it in such importance. Apparently dating somebody Still allows them freedom of relationships until we're actually together? I don't know. I guess I just think differently and only exclusively talk. I don't weigh options, because I've already made my decisions and I stick to them until the end. But not everybody is like that.... I don't know if that made sense where my confusion lies haha
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