Just gonna vent... to organize my thoughts, I suppose.
Not to sound cocky, but I've never gone after a female in my life. And it surprises me how I've ever been in a relationship lol but, anywho, The girl always has initiated it, and I've always gone along with the boundaries that they silently set, and that's how I get into relationships... And for the past 7 years since my first girlfriend, it hasn't worked. So I need to change that... But how? I have zero idea how to start talking to somebody with the intention of creating a relationship out of it. I suppose it makes it slightly more difficult, sort of, that we've known each other for a while. I know her past, she knows mine...
The reasons I'm attracted to her, and the reasons why I'm considering pursuing her, is because, as anybody who knows me, knows that I'm a bit... Reckless and independent? Uncontrollable? Out of control? Crazy? Lol I say and do things that surprise and shock people and make people say, "Fucking Brandon" whilst shaking their head and laughing/smiling. I don't back down often. I can count on one hand how many times I've been stopped or backed down in a group or situation from something.
I know for certain that she would be able to control me. I know for certain she'd call me out on my shit. It's also what scared me from her all those years ago. I KNOW she'll call me out on any bullshit. I KNOW she'll pull me out of my comfort zone. I know that if I'm sarcastic or a smart ass to her, I'll get a retort fired right back at me. Our teasing and fighting is what makes she and I, US. We've known each other for five years, and we've always clashed. And that's what I love about her and find so sexy and alluring.
She's the one person in my life who would be able to slow me down/keep up with me. I know for certain that my life would be drastically improved with her by my side. I know for certain we'd make an ideal couple, because, along everything I just stated, and as well as I've said, we know each other's shortcomings and strengths. When we're together, when I look into her eyes, or when I'm staring at her and then she meets my gaze and makes a face, when I hear her laugh, when we're arguing, when we're sitting on a bench at 2 A.M. Listening to music and singing along, there's... A feeling... A powerful feeling of awkward completeness... I don't know how else to say that. I feel whole when I'm around her. It's nothing I've ever felt with anybody else. It's taken me forever to realize it. And I'm a fool for wasting this much time not being with her.
But... How do you know when to stop? This needless arguing and ignoring that she does. I don't understand it. The whole stopping talking to me over little things that never would've bothered her a few months ago. The dating apps. The constant adding of males on Facebook.... I just don't know about what's been changing.
I don't care about the pain. I don't care about us fighting. I don't care about my emotions. I never have. I'm not the important one when it comes to relationships. I always consider the other person first. I just know.... I love her. And that she's the best person for me. And that I actually want to be with her.
But when do I draw the line? Where? How do I tell myself it's enough and work on healing myself when she's everywhere in my thoughts?
“Do you ever think about how good we’d be together?” She asked him as they lay in his bed for the third time that week. She glanced over at him to find that lazy smile on his lips, the one that always made her feel at ease.
“All the fucking time,” he chuckled, “I think of all the dates I’d take you on and all the moments in between where I’d steal kisses and don’t even get me started on our sex life.” He turned to face her and reached over to run his hand through her butterscotch hair.
“But then I realise that I love you and you love me, but it would never be enough. We would fight all the fucking time, and we’d run because you and I both know that we can only take so much fight before we realise that flight hurts less. Neither of us have ever know how to commit.” He sighed and wrapped his arms around her, the way he always did when she needed comfort.
“We’d be good until we weren’t anymore. You’re special. You’re perfect for me in every way and I would ruin you and you would ruin me until we couldn’t stand the sight of each other anymore. I love you, but we’re better off like this.”
And it hurt. But it was true. Two flight risks with a fear of anything more than temporary would always end the same way - with a crash.