Confessions of a Political Junkie: The Insane and Unreal Republican Debates
I'm a 22 year old woman, not exactly the demographic for the Republican party to embrace, but alas. I felt as if I had to weigh in on the debates run by CNN.
Let's see our favorite troop of money-hungry, power-drunk, happy-go-lucky political cartoons debate the "real issues". God save The United States of America.
As the fear and loathing creeps in, we've got much more in store. Somehow like a car crash a lot of Americans can't rip their eyes off of these debates. It seems we're all doomed, but in our final hours of rationality we must take a look at what was actually said.
The second debate is fresh in our minds, but let's compile the most ridiculous information from both and see where we stand.
Remember politicians don't listen, they just wait for their turn to speak.
Let's look at who is in the race, and the most ridiculous things they said. Surprisingly, Trump is not the most irrational candidate.
Positioned in an airplane hanger like true patriots, the Republican candidates stand, gleaming and white...in front of millions of people who have no idea what they're talking about.
Lindsey Graham: "We're going to drink more if I'm president."
Look at those soulless eyes and fake smile. It's like he's rigged up by puppet strings.
Yeah, if any republican becomes president, drinks all around!
-"Immigrants need to learn how to speak English." Also mispronounced "Canada" as "Canadia" #Help
-"Hispanics are Americans."
-"If there are any democrats here...you're in the wrong place."
-"You have to pay taxes and get back in line."
-"Rich Asians and rich people from the Middle East who come here, bastardize citizenship."
-First in his family to go to college. Republicans need to tell the American people that we get them. DUHNewsflash: The key to becomming president is to understand the voters and speak for them. Speak for them in a PRODUCTIVE and SUPPORTING manner. Make America better damn it!
He's giving America the hand, because you know...who cares?
"We are the A Team", Okay dude.-Defended Kim Davis (The hateful jerk who refused to sign marriage licenses for perfectly legal abiding citizens)-GET OVER IT GAY MARRIAGE IS LEGAL
-I don't feel like dignifying him with much more commentary, so there.
Bobby Jindal: Trying too hard.
Okay, Trump called him a madman, and that pretty much stands up after the debates.
"Let's stop acting like Tump is a republican." Okay...What's a republican then? "Obama is more worried about Twinkies than Iran." "We must rescue America."
-Mercilessly made fun of Trump and called Bernie Sanders a socialist, and Hilary Clinton a joke. Man, this guy is hateful.
-"America is the most compassionate country in the entire world." HA! I actually almost wrote "company", because right now America is operating like one.
-"The Iran deal is a catastrophe."
-"WE MUST DEFUND PLANNED PARENTHOOD!" This guy is about 200 years behind as far as women's rights, gay rights and minority rights. Get over yourself.
Donald Trump: Money man with the charisma of a Kennedy.
Does. Not. Give. A. Fuck.
-Calls Jeb Bush a "Puppet" for his donors. This probably has some truth in it. He's apart of one of the most disgraceful political dynasties on the planet. And you know what...that speaks volumes alone.
-He turned down campaign donations and special interest people. It's kind of admirable. He says "he understands the game", also he knows that donors have a lot of control over politicians.
-"If it weren't for me, you wouldn't be talking about Illegal Immigration. Our leaders and politicians are stupid. The Mexican government is a lot smarter."
-"Nobody has control over me, except the American people."
-"I was a business man, my job was to get along with everyone. This is different."
-Trump decided he wouldn't run an independent campaign against the GOP candidate should he not be nominated. Admirable.
-A lot of people call him a Liberal.
-Some of Trump's leanings seem liberal. I think that's a good thing...considering party lines really need to be blurred in order to get the country working together.-He also made lots of jokes, as if he were the butt of all of them. That's kind of cool in a strange way.
-Compared himself to Reagan...because, well, Republicans love Reagan.
I'm not flip-flopping on Trump, I promise. But honestly, take a look at the horror-show surrounding him. Its equally horrible. Awful. Hopeless. Right?
Jeb Bush: Another man from the dynasty of complete buffoonery.
He's pumped, obviously and thinks he's entitled to the White House...entitlement is ALWAYS dangerous.
HE SMOKED POT ONCE OOOOOHHHH BURN!
-He went for the jugular as far as Trump, but ended up looking like a complete dumbass. Not surprising considering his lineage. But honestly, we've got to do better than this guy...anyone than this guy.
-"I am not a puppet for my donors!" LIAR
-Honestly, couldn't figure out who he was at first, partly because I have blindness toward republicans, they kind of all look the same. EEk!
Scott Walker: Trump attacker extraordinaire
He's a jerk. And I hate him.
-"We don't need an apprentice in the White House." Good one! Like everyone on the planet hasn't made that joke before. Come on, get some better speech-writers. Hey! I'm available.
-"We balanced our budget! We must fight the system!" I hope you don't end up using a Rage Against The Machine song as your entrance music for rallies, because they'll probably sue your ass.
-I don't want to spend more time on him, because I hate him a lot more than some of the others.
Rand Paul: Just a face in the crowd.
-"We should cancel our diplomatic relations with China because of alleged "Cyber" attacks." -Yeah and we should start a bunch of wars for no reason too. Like we always have.
-Says we need to be engaged in the world, yet wants to cancel a diplomatic dinner with China, because like..that makes sense.
Carly Fiorina: Who?
-Has the lowest name ID of all republicans. Which..yeah okay.-Came out swinging against Trump...and his relationship with "devil democrat" Bill Clinton.
-"I didn't attack Trump, I'm just talking about the issues!"
-Really didn't make a huge impact, but people think she may take away from Hillary's thunder. Oh well.
La la la..you don't matter.
George Pataki: Kind of rational, for a republican.
I mean....he's passionate so that's okay.
-"The surpreme court should be accepted."
-"I will approach the Supreme court with rationality."
-"You should be able to stand up for your religious freedom, but you can't defy the law."
-He came out against Santorum, my most hated candidate by far, and actually made some rational points. He opposes Gay marriage, but not the law. Which hahahahahahah it is the law so get over it.
Chris Christie: Yeah, the guy who blocked a bridge somewhere between Jersey and New York for no good God damn reason.
He is also the Paul Blart of politics. Take that as you will.
-Against use of legal marijuana (because that's the biggest problem we've got in this damn country)
-He also claimed that "friends and families of people I love are victims of drug abuse." ...ok.
Rick Santorum: A dick.
He hates: women, muslims, black people, gay people and pretty much everyone else who isn't a white, land owning male. May God have mercy on your soul Rick Santorum.
-"The supreme court defied the constitution with the acceptance and legalization of Gay marriage."
-Used Martin Luther King as a justification for defying Gay marriage, "It is an unjust law...goes against God and natural law."
-So you're saying that gay marriage legalization went against God? Goodbye. We are done here.
Okay Rick. You just became my least favorite candidate of all time. May the God you follow have mercy on you. Seriously...if you have a problem with the LAW do not run for president.
Also, I just hate you, not that it matters, but you are a pinnacle of complete ignorance and a lighthouse to bring ships full of idiots into the Republican party. Goodbye.
But seriously, we have to do better. We have to listen to each other. We have to show the rest of the world that we're not idiots, that we won't be taken advantage of, and that we're worth talking to. You know?
Conclusion? We're all doomed.
Also, these aren't facts, just opinions.
What's yours? Let's debate, just like our forefathers wanted. Right?