shannonl5
2 years ago10,000+ Views
Boob Armor: Not Actually Practical

In fact, it would probably kill you.

Yup, apparently the boob armor we're used to seeing is literally the opposite of what you would want in a serious battle. Not only is it historically inaccurate, it's highly likely that it would kill the person wearing it. It's the opposite of practical. It's just there to be sexy.
"Let’s begin by stating the simple purpose of plate armor—to deflect blows from weaponry. Assuming that you are avoiding the blow of a sword, your armor should be designed so that the blade glances off your body, away from your chest. If your armor is breast-shaped, you are in fact increasing the likelihood that a blade blow will slide inward, toward the center of your chest, the very place you are trying to keep safe. But that’s not all! Let’s say you even fall onto your boob-conscious armor. The divet separating each breast will dig into your chest, doing you injury. It might even break your breastbone. With a strong enough blow to the chest, it could fracture your sternum entirely, destroying your heart and lungs, instantly killing you. It is literally a death trap—you are wearing armor that acts as a perpetual spear directed at some of your most vulnerable body parts. It’s just not smart."
Emily Asher-Perrin from Tor.com wrote this brilliant breakdown of the impracticality of boob armor. And since she does occasionally run around in chain mail, I'd say she's an expert. But you know what she failed to mention?

Dick armor.

Let me say that a little louder.

Dick armor.

We all know what Tony Stark is adding to his next suit upgrade, am I right?
Special thanks to @jibarito @tardisdragon7 @YoSoySoysauce @purplem00n23 @candyland1986 for letting me throw some ideas at you! You're the best! I'll probably write about this a little more in-depth, so let me know if anything else comes to mind!
@buddyesd @danidee @TerrecaRiley @ButterflyBlu @jokes @VinMcCarthy this seems like something the Sneeper crowd would appreciate ^_^
62 comments
When I scrolled down from the beginning I was really expecting further analysis of why boob armor sucks.....instead, I found dick armor. Ok. OOOOOOOKKKKK. hahahahahahah
2 years ago·Reply
@purplem00n23 @buddyesd @shannonl5 new headcanon confirmed, dick armor all around.
2 years ago·Reply
I'm done Lmao Dick armor, got to protect those jewels btw why would a man have a semi If he is going to war. O_o strange lol
2 years ago·Reply
@VinMcCarthy @buddyesd @shannonl5 ohhhh lawd!!! I can't stop picturing this!!! After first battle Tony would build one to be bigger and then he sees Natasha's shooting so then of course he builds one that shoots. then he sees it's detachable and he just walks off muttering about there is just no way he will detach his!!
2 years ago·Reply
@shannonl5 @buddyesd @purplem00n23 I think Black Widow's would shoot bullets. and maybe detach into a handheld weapon. it would be the most useful in any regard.
2 years ago·Reply
View more comments
64
62
8