Sometimes, it happens suddenly.
I'm sitting in bed, blankets twisted around my legs, and I'm smiling while I watch Rizzo and Kenickie make up. It was so much fun, being Rizzo, when we danced those same dances. I'm remembering that even though it's been a while, I could still reconnect with everyone from my dance days that I've lost. Like rama lamma lamma, right?
But then Rizzo's curling under his arm and leaning into his chest, pressing a kiss to his neck. They're laughing, and I'm the one short of breath as the hours that I've spent indulging in a musical that I've always loved feel like they never happened.
There were only a few of us at my dance studio when we put on our production of Grease, but I was still so happy that Anita said I should be Rizzo! I didn't have her attitude, but I wished that I did. I watched Grease once, twice a week. Memorized my lines. Worked hard to get in step with Jay, who would be my Kenickie.
And then you told me he wasn't allowed to touch me. I didn't tell you about the kiss scene at first, but eventually I did, because I was yours and that meant you had to know everything.
You were angry. We fought stupid fights, and you stopped your car in the middle of the highway. I remember telling you that you were being stupid, that you could get hurt, so don't ever do that while I'm not in the car to stop you from being stupid.
You agreed to me staying in the show; I agreed to tell the cast I was uncomfortable with Rizzo & Kenickie's big scene.
I don't remember what I told Anita, but I remember her telling me that I needed to be careful. That I needed to get myself out of this relationship if my boyfriend wouldn't understand. I told her half of the truth, and she saw what was happening when no one else did.
So I just didn't tell her anything after that.
Jay was furious with me on stage, when I ruined the scene. He was going to kiss me, like he was supposed to, and I turned away. He knew I would turn away, because I told him that I couldn't do it, but he knew why. He didn't agree, so he went on with the scene. I turned away, and he was furious with me.
And so were you. Because Jay held my hand. And I was still wrong. So you were furious, too.
It reminded me of when Nathan and Joe and David were furious with me, too. They were all right. Why did I let you be the right one, when I knew you were wrong?
Why is it never as simple as who is right and who is wrong when your loyalties are twisted in love or something like it and you've somehow grown afraid of losing the cage you've climbed into and helped to build around yourself?