#1 RULE CHALLENGE tagged by @kpopandkimchi Let's begin !
For a long time j have always wanted to be one thing , a cartoonist in Japan making Manga and possibly having my own Anime come out. So I had art classes throughout all four tears of my highschool life. But a bit after graduation I realized that I wanted to do something in the music industry. So I dropped the idea of being an artist and moved onto being an Idol (hurhurhur ) But that's when I started growing depressed.
I told my family members that I wanted to be an idol and they would just roll their eyes or laugh at me. Which was weird to me, especially since I have such a positive mentallity when it comes to aspirations. I always tell myself anything is possible, and mind over matter is key. But being shot down by your own family takes a toll on you. I constantly hear that I have yet to do anything in my life, that I'm lazy , and other hurtful things like that. And that hurts a lot be aide I already feel like trash. I watch my friends leave for college while I sit here contemplating what I should do with my life. And it feels like day by day I'm wasting more and more time and disappointing them more. I don't want to go to college because of debt and I don't have parents who are willing to help and since My tuition is up to $120,000 right now college is a no for me. And because of that my family is disappointed in me and I'm disappointed in myself.
I constantly feel the weight and guilt on my shoulders, I feel like a burden. Despite the fact that I have a job and pay for rent and all of that, but it's like I have nothing to show for it. And then I have to take sh*t from both my family and myself because I feel so useless not doing anything with my life. I literally stay at home all day ,( except for the days I work ) and I don't know where to go. I grew so deep into it I started contemplating suicide and self harm. But I had been clean for a year, and I would only disappoint myself even more if I did it, so I didn't. Even though it still crosses my mind sometimes. But then I came across a certain song by BTS. It's called "Tomorrow" The lyrics fit perfectly to what i was feeling, I was stunned. I don't know why that song suddenly was on my suggested videos, but I'm glad it was. The lyrics basically told me not to feel worthless because you feel like you're not doing anything in life, Your life is on a pause and tomorrow is a new day.
I still feel depressed of course, but because of that song, I have a lot more hope and faith in myself than I did before. And I know things will get better with time.