So I'm really late getting to this but I honestly wasn't going to even do it. I'm an intensely private person. I don't like to share or show my emotions or thoughts with others, not even my family. So this is actually really hard for me to open up and share with you. My mother got cancer two years ago. A rare type of incurable cancer in a very advanced stage. Cancer cells and masses found in her bones, lungs, and uterus. Doctors said the best we could hope for was to try to get it in remission fast and she'd have a bit longer to live. Months not years. It'd never go away even if it was to go into remission. It could just present itself in a different area of the body. DEVASTATION. She started chemo and radiation treatments the very next day. That's how bad it was. 6 months of treatment she went into remission. We all breathed a sigh of relief. We wouldn't lose mom and everything would be okay. A month and a half clear. Mom was getting stronger again, the light was back in her eyes. Everyone was happy. Normal Check-up at the doctor's office to monitor the cancer cells. It's back... more aggressively than the first time and has moved to her brain and back to the lungs again. Treatment starts immediately. Two months and only three treatments later Mom was admitted to the hospital for the last time. She died the next night. Alone. While they were moving her to a quieter room and my family waited for them to come get them. I wasn't even at the hospital. I went home to let the dogs out for a few minutes. Mom loved her dogs so much, so I volunteered to do it. We olny live maybe 15 minutes from the hospital. I thought I'd have plenty of time to make it back before she left. They said she was resting peacefully. I didn't even make it home before she died in the elevator and I got the call to turn around, she was gone. No final farewell for me... DEVASTATION AND DENIAL It's been a year and four months since my mother's death. But two years since my battle with depression started. My mom needed someone to hate after she got cancer. Cancer can't argue with you when you're mad... but I could. I still don't understand why she chose me her youngest to take the brunt of her anger. but maybe it was because we were so much alike? I can't say and it haunts me. What did I do to deserve that? Was I that much of a disappointment and failure that maybe she really did hate ME and not just the cancer? I know she loved me. I know that. But did she like me as a person for who I am, not just because I was her daughter? I love her no matter the answer, but it still hurts. Everyday it hurts. Everyday I think about her. And it started to affect my life. I couldn't focus at work. I had to quit my job it was so bad. I stopped really caring about anything. Sometimes I don't sleep for days. The gift of insomnia I got from my mom has been getting progressively worse these past few months. And sometimes I sleep all day. Or I just lay in bed not thinking anything. I just exist... But K-Pop brings me back to life. I'm happy when I'm listening to my songs or watching my idols on shows. Going to concerts with my sister has got me out into the world again and helped our relationship become even stronger. So K-Pop for me really is a life saver.
These songs in particular have helped me a lot. The lyrics just speak to me. When I was thinking of doing something stupid they pulled me back. Tablo is such an amazing inspiration to me. I believe I might've mentioned that in my intro card. ^^ But honestly he's been through so much but he keeps moving forward and doesn't let it change who he is. So I'm going to keep moving forward even if I have to crawl. *sorry it was so long but if I do something I do it all the way. 'Don't Hesitate' has become my motto. If there is something you want to say or do. Do it! It might all be taken from you tomorrow. No more hesitating. Live.