AlloBaber
3 years ago5,000+ Views
Hey everybody! So... oftentimes, I'm the one giving other people love and life advice. I really enjoy helping others talk out their problems, and being there to support and encourage them. But strangely enough, that doesn't always help with my own problems. Maybe it's just one of those things, where it's hard to take your own advice. But I've had a problem on my mind that's been weighing on me a lot, and I wanted to hear your guys' perspectives on it. Maybe you'll have some wisdom that will help :)
Not so long ago, I met a guy. We shared an instant connection and had so much fun the first night we met, running around this bar and taking pictures with strangers and just being silly. From there we wanted to get to know each other, so we had dinner a few times, hung out alone and in groups, and just spend a lot of time together. The more time we spent together, the more time we wanted to spend. Our dinners would last like four hours because we just had so much to say to each other, so many things we wanted to talk about. I was with him when he caught his first firefly, and when his brother called and asked him to be the best man in his wedding; we've shared a magical picnic under the stars, and walked around Central Park for hours just chatting and laughing.
We get along so, so well, and have so many similarities it's weird. Seriously, it's WEIRD how great we are together. I've never had this with anyone else (even though I've dated plenty of people in my day). We're so similar, yet different enough to keep each other on our toes. We have similar drives and desires in life. We have similar philosophies. Basically, every single thing you can think of is perfect (or as close to it as you can get).
But he had just broken up with his girlfriend, so nothing happened between us. And then, a month into our amazing friendship, he had to move away to start his PhD program. I was really sad, but I thought hey, it's not so far. Maybe we could make it work, despite the distance.
THEN. Then my job, which I love, offered me the chance to move across the country. I'm really happy where I am, but I also know I need to pursue my future and think about my career. And yet, I can't picture my future without him in it. If I'm certain of anything, it's that I need to explore this amazing relationship-to-be and all its possibilities. I think he really could be "the One," or one of them, or whatever. A Person. He could be A Person in my life. Does that make sense?
So basically my question I guess is: what should I do? Do I move away, and hope he'll agree to try to make things work long-distance? Or if I'm this certain that this is something special, should I make a sacrifice in order to truly see what it's like to be together? I don't want to leave the east coast... all my friends and family are here. And him. But at the same time, going to the west coast for work is an amazing opportunity.
Sigh... I'm so lost.
Sorry if this card was really really long haha. I hope you guys have some thoughts to share :) thanks for reading <3 you're all the best!!
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This is a hard one, but you seem to be getting a lot of really good advice here. :) How long have you been working towards this job? It's so hard to get "The Incredible Job" that you love, Alli. Some people go their entire lives fighting for that. This job could be the portal to your entire future career. Not to mention, some people - some women - need to feel fulfilled personally in able to be the best version of themselves that they can be. Are you going to be happy and fulfilled staying at the job you're at right now? You do not want to carry around resentment against him. It's toxic. Will that happen if you stay at your current position? If this guy is working on his Phd, then he is also focused mainly on his career, too, right? Then, logically, he is going to respect your decision if you do go after the job. Keep in mind that while working towards a Phd, students can be required to move often. I don't know which Phd program he is in, obviously, but a lot of them will have the candidate relocating for internships, residencies, etc. Both of you having your careers nailed down could be a HUGE blessing if the relationship leads to something more serious down the road. Are there any other factors that are making you think Seriously about NOT taking the job? If this guy didn't exist right now, what would you do? That's a super important thing to ask yourself. If you would skip this opportunity for this guy - and no other reason - then you need to sit and talk with him right now and find out if he is on the same page. Is he as interested in a long term relationship as you? If so, how does he feel about a long distance relationship? I've been in a couple of long distance relationships. They can be difficult, but not impossible. The biggest factor will always be trust, but another thing that can make or break LDRs is communication. I know that seems obvious, but it isn't. I don't mean remembering to call or text, but deeper communication. You both have to be willing to get comfortable verbalizing Everything - every feeling, desire, frustration, etc. (I think women tend to be better at this than most men, fwiw... Not all! Just most.) The fastest way to let everything go to hell is to stop communicating. I do have to bring this up... Because of other conversations we've had. How will you do without predictable access to sex with him? That's something you need to consider and discuss. Have those expectations ironed out ahead of time to avoid a LOT of pain. You need to know what he would expect out of you, and vice versa. All of that being said, I truly believe that if you are meant to be together, it will happen, no matter where you are in the world. If he loves and respects you, then he will support you in whichever decision you make. When you love someone, you want them to be happy. What is going to make you happy? If you both want this relationship, you will make it work no matter what. That's really the point. Relationships don't fail just because... They fail because one - or both - partners stop wanting it and, therefore, stop working at it. If you truly want it and both of you are willing to work for it, then, in the end, you could have both - the man and the job. Good luck, sweetie. I know how hard this is. >.< I'm here if you need to talk it out. I'm learning how helpful that can be these days. :P
Wow, thank you so much everyone. @ChriSingularis @Arellano1052 @amobigbang @jcl4rks0n @InPlainSight @jordanhamilton thank you for sharing your thoughts. And especially to the people I didn't tag, thank you!! It's an open question, so I'm very glad you chimed in :) @InPlainSight I really like your answer. Love finds a way. Well... I hope so :) if it's meant to be, we'll do it. Like @ChrisSingularis said, it's a test, but going through it can make you a stronger person and couple. @amobigbang I definitely will try writing that pros and cons list :) thanks so much everyone!!
I felt compelled to comment. this is a tough one, but at the end of the day do what makes you happy. follow your heart and just make sure you are making the right decision for you. this is a tough one, but you are a strong woman and I am sure you will make the right choice.
Wow, everyone is so open and knowledgeable! I always say go with the career, but that's just me. I think it varies per person. And the whole trusting yourself thing goes a long way. I haven't figured that out yet, but no doubt you will @swhitta makes some great arguments. I think that you're a strong person, just judging by the cards you write and the people you help...it seems that you've got a great knowledge of who you are and what you want. Let the doubt do it's job in the questioning of things, but don't let it overcome you. Wish I could do that myself, regardless :) the ship sails on, and you'll point it in the right direction.
I wanted to leave an insightful comment coming from my own experiences, but @butterflyblu basically said everything I would have tried to say, only better and with more distinct points. I think it's important to ask yourselves those questions before anything. I think most importantly to ask is "do I think he would want me to take the job or leave it?" because if you think he wouldn't, then I wouldn't be with that guy.
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