Am I the only one who's dreamed of hearing those two words echo across the cafeteria? Suddenly everyone would stop eating, look around, and watch awestruck as the first hotdog flew through the air and – SPLAT! – made contact. Then, after a moment of silence, the mashed potatoes would hit the fan. We're talking utter mayhem – dudes lauching burgers like grenades, girls grinding green beans into each other's hair, the dorky kid with glasses running away screaming as the jocks followed him with a huge vat of mac n' cheese...
For some reason (I blame pop culture), this has always been a fantasy of mine. Sadly, I made it through my entire school career without seeing a single food fight. But if I were to ever find myself in a position to join the ranks of food soliders, here's a list of the weapons I'd choose.
The iconic food fight food. It's gloppy, it sticks to everything, and it's commonly found in cafeteria lunches.
My Battle Strategy: I would use a lacrosse stick, a bowl, a chair, and some masking tape to construct a mashed potato catapult. Look out below! >:D
Condiments in Squirt Bottles
Those cheap squirt bottles filled with watery ketchup and mustard are absolutely perfect for food fights. They're a long range weapon, and not to mention, add a little color to the whole affair. Plus ketchup looks like blood, if it's realism you're after.
My Battle Strategy: A squirt bottle in each hand. Say hello to my little friends!!!
Because who's going to eat it anyway? Friday's suspicious, unidentifiable "meat" entrée just became a gravy-smeared projectile. You could do a little more damage with this one, especially since Mystery Meat (or "spare rib," as my school liked to call it – yeah right) was always a little tough to chew.
My Battle Strategy: Stockpile the uneaten mystery meat (in other words, all of it) behind a cafeteria table that's been flipped on its side, creating a barrier. Pop out sporadically and let those meat patties fly!!
Oh god. I would not wish this one on my worst enemy. Actually, scratch that – that's exactly who I'd wish it on. If your worst enemy happens to be at the food fight, you'd better hope they're serving the creamy, stinky nightmare that is tuna casserole that day. They would smell so bad for so long!! And everybody knows that making someone stinky is the ultimate revenge. Muahaha!
My Battle Strategy: Create a protective full-body suit out of cling wrap to avoid the stink myself, then let it rip jai alai-style with a ladle in one hand and a vat of ammo in the other.
People think cupcakes are cute, but they're actually ready-made projectiles. Perfectly fist-sized, great for throwing, AND topped with icing, which gets everywhere. You'd have to be pretty lucky to find these in your standard cafeteria – maybe somebody brought them in for a birthday that day. But if they're around, you'd for sure better have them by your side.
My Battle Strategy: THROW CUPCAKES AT PEOPLES' FACESSSSS
Okay, I'mma let you finish your lunch (no I'm not), BUT – this would be the most delicious food fight of all time. OF ALL TIME. Okay, so it's even more of a fantasy than the other items on the list, but I would be totally okay with someone splashing brownie batter all over me.
My Battle Strategy: Lick the brownie batter off of myself. Run around presenting a very obvious target so people will pour more on me. Repeat.