Okay, so this took me a while, @allischaaff. I really wanted to think about the things that turned me off to possible suitors. So, I took a seat down in my rocking chair with a mason jar filled with organic iced-tea and an American Spirit and just thought and thought and thought about until I figured it out.
But here we go. Here are my top 3 turn offs.
If We Don't Get Along Musically
We probably won't get along at all. I mean, I don't know if you know this but I am a giant hipster. And a very specific kind of hipster. An Old Emo Guy Hipster. So, if you're not down with listening to bands like Cayetana, The Front Bottoms, Joie De Vivre, Braid, Prawn, Iron Chic, Bridge and Tunnel, RVIVR, etc. etc. etc. Then we probably won't get along. I'll probably hate your music too, so don't worry. I don't know why this is important to me but it is. I always assume we'll have long car rides together and if we can't sit through one song without asking to change it we'll probably break up. Better to leave things where there are, which is no where.
If You Are Too Optimistic
I will most likely hate spending any kind of time with you. I don't know what else I need to write here. I don't like happy people. I mean, well, yeah of course I do. But stop spitting your happiness into my mouth. I'm a generally okay dude but when people are talking about rainbows and flowers 24/7, I get a little afraid of them. That shit is annoying, man. Get out of town with that.
If You Are a Ghost
Stay away from me. For real. It's not that I'm afraid of ghosts or anything. It's just like, come on, who are we kidding here? How's it even going to work out? Like, I'm sorry okay? I mean, don't make that face at me.
[Please, Maura, I mean, we tried it out for a couple months but physical touch means a lot to me. And I know we try, you reach your ghostly appendage towards me but all I can feel is cool-air fall through my finger tips. I think we've tried our best here. I don't want you to think that it's something about you. It's definitely me, I just really hope we can stay friends okay? I'll always love you and who knows? What if I become a ghost one day? Maybe we'll find each other again and we can go to Italy and Spain and Germany and wherever you want because we'll have all the time in the world together.
Please don't cry, M, please. I'm sorry. I never... I didn't want it to be like this... I'm sorry I have to go I'm in the middle of writing something.]
Whoa, sorry about that delay. I got caught up with something. A ghost-to-human relationship isn't possible, trust me. No matter how bad you want it to work, it won't. So, no ghosts for me. Not anymore.
Welp, there you have it @allischaaff. I'm sure there are more but I don't really think about them. Not that I'm not picky, it's just that I've been alone for so long I don't know how to be picky anymore [man, that was a depressing sentence].