2 years ago1,000+ Views
In recognition of Invisible Awareness week, which @butterflyblu is a big proponent of (as seen here), I decided I should lend my voice to the effort. I'm not really comfortable talking about this stuff, but that's kind of a part of it for me. So I'm gonna try, because I know I can't be the only one who feels this way. I don't know if my conditions count for this cause, so if you feel like they don't, please let me know.
Like @butterflyblu, I put the video for a song that helps me in the bad times. It's a recording of a song my friend (the dude in the video) made in college.

{TL;DR: I'm a very, very sad man. All the time. It makes me panic sometimes.}

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You Might Not Know

1. The illnesses I live with are Depression, and Panic Disorder
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: Depression in 2008, Panic in 2015
3. But I had symptoms since: Depression for as long as I can remember, Panic since 2012
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Learning how to avoid panic triggers, getting myself out of a triggering situation, not trying to harm myself on the worst days.
5. Most people assume: This is tough, because my illness colors the way I think people view me. I think people assume I'm lying, or that it's not all that serious. I assume people think it's not that bad for me. Or maybe if they believe me, they think I'm fragile and weak.
6. The hardest part about mornings are: Getting out of bed. I know that I don't suffer on a physical level, but just convincing myself it's worth it to get up and do stuff can be a really fucking hard fight.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: Scrubs, yo.
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My phone. It's where I have my music for when I need to tune out, games to distract myself, and the means of contacting people who understand the bad days.
9. The hardest part about nights are: the crippling loneliness (when I'm alone) I don't have the buffer of people around me to distract me or laugh with. I'm stuck with just myself, and that's when the depression-monster I hold at bay during the daylight comes out to fuck with me hardest. If the depression gets too deep, it will trigger a panic attack, and that gets even scarier.
10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins: A multivitamin. I was on meds before but I didn't re-up before I moved.
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: I don't really hear all that many. I self-medicate too much though, if that counts as alternative.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: I wouldn't change it, I think. The constant fighting against my depression has made me (I hope) stronger. It's helped define me for a long time.
13. Regarding working and career: It doesn't get in my way. I won't let it. Sure, there are days where I'm not ebullient or even pleasant to be around, but as long as I keep myself from getting too overwhelmed, I'm okay.
14. People would be surprised to know: How many smiles are lies, how much I hate myself. How bad it some nights/days have gotten.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: Being trapped. I don't talk to people about it because it makes me feel weak, and that starts me spiraling.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Fall in love. Be loved.
17. The commercials about my illness: Will show you that a pill will have you running through a field of beautiful, sunny flowers. Maybe a dog.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: waking up happy. Or going to bed happy. Being happy in general.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: certain places that trigger panic.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Smoking
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Honestly? Probably kill myself. Because I wouldn't want to go back into the darkness of depression/
22. My illness has taught me: I can't always trust my own brain.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: "Just get over it" or "I get nervous about stuff too"
24. But I love it when people: Realize that me being around is a victory for me.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: "This too, shall pass."
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: "I'm sorry, friend. Just remember you are never alone."
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: That I can still be an extrovert.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: For real - punch me in the face. He stopped me from getting even more hurt.
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I have to do something, anything. Even if it's writing on the internet about my shit.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Scared, mostly. I don't like to tell people about this stuff.
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@vinmccarthy Man, I know that must have been hard for you. Respect.
@Butterflyblu thanks for the support. I'm sorry to hear about your brother. I'm not bipolar but I think that I'd be pretty close on that spectrum. I work during nights too so I'm usually up too. And it's a two-way road! I'm here to talk to you if ever you feel the need. I've been told I'm a good listener (or in this case, reader.)
@InPlainsight thanks man. It's made easier by having the support of yourself and the other here on vingle.
I truly commend you for sharing this and being a voice for others who may be too scared too share. I can semi relate. in 2014 I was diagnosed with mild panic & anxiety. It got real. like to the point where I was constantly having panic attacks. I had become a hypochondriac and I felt like my life was literally over in both the physical and mental sense. But I perservered, and since 2014 I have not had an episode of panic since.
Wow, I learned a little more about you from this card. Thanks for sharing. I know it must have been hard to share things with us. I can relate to a lot of these things -- and it's sorta comforting to know that I am not alone in the same sort of struggles.