2 years ago
paulisadroid
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The Netflix Switch, Its Uses, and Its Birth
[The following conversation takes place in the Netflix Headquarters in a meeting room, there are whiteboards everywhere. The words are written in a very particular kind of scribble. A sort that can only be read by the person who wrote it. A man in a suit is speaking.]
Everybody knows what "Let's watch Netflix and chill" means, am I right, boys? That's right, we're all boys in here because it's a business and boys are boys, am I right, boys? [laughter, sad laughter] Anyway, I got an idea. It's a great one. It's amazing, trust me. Listen here. Look, trust me, alright boys? Trust me.
So everybody knows, when someone asks another someone to watch Netflix -- that's us, we're the best -- and chill they really mean, let's hook up. They mean, let's go put on some existential drama -- a movie they can't find anywhere else by the way, am I right, boys? [the women in the room feel extremely uncomfortable that the speaker keeps referring to the room as "boys"] We have got to take advantage of that. We know it. They know it. So how do we do it?
I'll tell ya, listen here, we'll make a commercial and also make a button. Yeah, a button. Colloquially, everyone'll call it the Netflix and Chill button. But we won't say that, no, we won't. We can't be implicated in any kind of weird sexual offense when someone goes over another person's house to watch Netflix but really gets weird duck kisses, am I right boys? [the women start to leave the room, they are offended and will not listen to this man anymore] So we'll make a button, leave instructions, and reap the rewards.
Whattya mean what rewards? I mean everyone will love us! It'll endear them to us, I swear. We'll call it the Netflix Switch. We'll pretend we have no idea about the memes or the saying. Come on boys, isn't this a great idea, it'll dim the lights, block calls on your phone, it'll do it all boys! Whattya say?
[After minutes of deliberation. They vote Yes on Netflix and Chill Button.]
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[The following conversation takes place in an apartment in New York around 10:30-11:00 PM EST. There is a couple in the living room, they had just finished dinner. A dinner that included two big glasses of wine.]
Hey, you see this [holds up Netflix Switch]? You know what this does? I bet you know what this does but you just want me to tell you right? It's the ol' Netflix Switch, yeah that's right. I got a button in my house that I put next to my 5 television remotes that'll cue up some Netflix.
I know we said we'd just watch Netflix and chill but that don't mean we can't talk a little first, right? It's a cool thing. To have a piece of wood on top of my table -- also made of wood, have I mentioned that it's mahogany? -- that'll do what I want it to do in one press. Isn't that a novel concept? Yeah it is. What do you mean? I'm not any closer to you than I was before.
You want to try it out? I mean we're on the couch already. We might as well use the Switch, right? Don't be shy, Brian, just press the switch. What do you mean you don't want to? I spent all this time and money making this thing for us to play with tonight. And you know what they say about time, right Brian? It's money. So it's like I spent double the amount of money on this piece of goddamn wood.
Hey, hey, I'm sorry I didn't mean to yell. Brian, stop putting your shoes back on. Hey, Brian, come on. Please just stay. I really do want to watch Netflix and chill out. I won't make you feel uncomfortable anymore [Brian continues to put his shoes on and says he expected better out of Raymond -- our current speaker]. Please, Brian... [Brian exits].
[Ultimately, making a Netflix Switch will probably out you as a scumbag. And your friend Brian, the one you have liked since high school and have known to like you will no longer respect you. He will leave your house, your life, and he'll no longer have feelings for you. So, please, don't make a Netflix Switch.]
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