a year ago
paulisadroid
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A Guide to Dating a Tattooed Millennial Hipster
Looks like you're interested in Tattooed Millennial Hipsters (THM), good on you. You've made an excellent choice. As the Undisputed Prince of Vingle Hipsters, I figured I should try to give you guys a short guide on how to properly date/meet a THM.

I know, I am barely tattooed but I am completely a hip-hipster. So, if you allow me to be your metaphorical Aladdin, trust me and hop on this magical carpet ride to the heart of a dummy with a ton of tattoos and a bad taste in music.
First things first, you might have to get a tattoo yourself. Seriously. Even if you don't like tattoos, you better get one ASAP. This will attract a Tattooed Hipster Millennial to you in a heartbeat. We'll come up to you and ask "where you get your work done". And when you answer, we'll pretend we know the artist that hooked you up.

Then, we'll roll our sleeves up to show you our tattoos. This is an invitation to touch our muscle-y arms. Yes, we all have muscle-y arms, regardless of gender. We need to make sure our ink looks top-notch, aces, and anything else that means super fucking cool.

So, while you graze our triceps, we'll probably pull out some earbuds (iPhone, of course, what are you? A nerd? Droids are for nerds, dude) and say "have you ever heard this song" and proposition you to stick one into your ear. We'll probably play some fuckin' Neutral Milk Hotel song or something (we definitely will, we'll play this song to be exact) and mumble-sing along. This is an invitation to find us endearing.
At this point, you will be endeared to us. Make sure you say how much you like that song and how you've never heard it before, even if you have. This isn't about you. It is never about you when it comes to THMs, do not forget this.

Then we will take you to a craft beer bar. You will need to pretend you have never been here before or heard of a "craft beer". When we explain to you what craft beer is and get it wrong, you cannot correct us. If you do, you will have lost your chance with a THM. I am sorry. Try again.

While at the bar, you will order what we recommend even though we will choose to order a PBR. THMs like to come off as salt-of-the-earth, poor but hard-working, real Americans. This is not true.

Our fathers, mothers, uncles, aunts pay for everything. We do not understand real struggle. We do not understand a lot. Our grasp on the world around us comes from Thought Catalog (before 2014), Medium, and Gawker (we won't admit this). We will never leave New York no matter how much we talk about moving to LA, Sweden, or Paris. We are self-important. We pontificate about the books that will be written about the nights we spend our family's money at the bar where actual honest, salt-of-the-earth, poor but hard-working, real Americans sit and drink. We believe we contribute to the world around us in our own, blue-collar way. But that is not true. We contribute to the chaos.

You will not fall in love with a Tattooed Millennial Hipster. You will become one.


And fall in love with yourself.

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@ButterflyBlu geez louise, the both sound like people I would rather not spend any time with!
hahahaha I used to live in colorado and be JUST like your sister @butterflublu! I’m a change only the weird millennial hipster that isn’t into tattoos.
@nicolejb I have the tattoos! I love the tattoos. I NEED MORE. Okay, I may be addicted to that tattoos but that's Perfectly Normal, I hear. lol I just don't get to run around to craft breweries. :P I really like Colorado, though. I've thought about moving there. She would like that a lot, too. Where were you at in CO?
I feel like if I got a tattoo I would get addicted, so I’m avoiding getting one all together. for the sake of my bank account. lol @butterflyblu! I went to school in Fort Collins, CO. There is a HUGE micro brew scene there.