2 years ago
MaighdlinS
in English · 517 Views
likes 4clips 1comments 10
The path to loving myself
This is me on a given day... my makeup is a mess it's been on for hours and has gotten a little orange and clumpy.... but it's me and I'm trying to accept the me that's underneath that makeup too...
I took this photo on a particularly rough day.... I had cried myself to sleep and could barely stand... I forced myself to get up... shower... wear a dress... take care with my makeup... and then go into public... it was hard...
I choked down tears all the way to the zoo where I instantly forgot my troubles when I met this bird....my spirit animal..... throughout the day I continued to take selfies. I ignored texts, calls, etc until I felt like I could handle the world again .. it worked... and I encourage anyone whose having an especially hard day to get up and go somewhere that will take your mind off of what's painful... and be you... that's the most important thing..
MaighdlinS clipped in 1 collections
10 comments
View more comments
@MaighdlinS I'm glad to hear that. I too struggle greatly in this area and it is literally a life long slow baby step by babystep process to retrain your beliefs about yourself that for me and most others were really someone's else evil negative criticisms and cruelty forced down our throat very young that formed our negative beliefs about ourselves that we aren't worthy or loveable, or pretty or smart.
a year ago·Reply
@2Distracted That's incredibly true... I learned self hatred because of bullies and because of the body shaming my family did (even if it was unintentional) It's much harder to teach yourself to accept the way you are after years of people trying to tell you to be someone else.
a year ago·Reply
10
@MaighdlinS NO DOUBT!!!! My brother was particularly tough on me in many ways but one of the most damaging and life altering was that I did not go one day without hearing that I was fat, ugly, stupid, worthless from as early as I'm able to have memories until he no longer lived with us at age 14. I'm 41 and still struggle most days with looking in the mirror and seeing a monster that no one else sees, feeling easily forgotten and not making any significant impact in anyones life to be remembered once my presence is absent for a short or long time whether I've known them a day or 40 years. Ive been working on this for a long time in counseling and I'm thankful that at this point I at least have progressed to where I know those icky self hating thots are lies and I believe logically in my head that they are not true but I still automatically react and think as if they are. so the head knowledge and the heart haven't yet connected but I know one day it will so I just keep choosing to do what you did that day stepping forward despite my feelings remembering the truth not someone elses cruelty and own pain forced upon me. The sad thing is that it was cuz of our abusive dysfunctional unpredictable childhood and envifonment that my brother even felt the need to hurt me cuz he was hurting so bad. no winners in childhood abuse! It's so true that hurt people hurt others and many times it's those closest to them who they love and trust cuz they are safe. There's a security that the hurt they inflict will be tolerated cuz of the deep love like siblings have. I wasn't going to beat him or abandon him or hurt him like all the adults were doing to him as well as me in our life at the time so I was a safe punching bag so to speak! sorry I just totally went off on a rant.
a year ago·Reply
@2Distracted it's ok! I'm so sorry to hear about that! I'm glad that you've been able to work on it with a counselor. I had an amazing counselor in college and I really miss her now. She helped me work out things and was my voice of reason when I was lost. My family said damaging things about my weight but the majority of my self hate comes from 4 solid years of intense bullying because I went to a small private school. Once my entire class ostracized me no one in the school would come near me. I was only 10 when that started. My twin suffered because of me but it was really because I refused to change or maybe it was because they felt they needed to do that to someone. I'll never know. One one person ever apologized to me and that was someone who just ignored me so that they wouldn't be bullied. Instead of going after the bullies the teachers thought I had behavioral issues and I had no support... all I was ever told is the old phrase "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." which I hurled at them hoping for relief but words hurt worse than anything.
a year ago·Reply
10
@MaighdlinS Oh my goodness!!!! I actually very much understand the small private school culture. my daughter who's 12 has been in a small private school since pre-k. I'm thankful that as far as I know this deep level of abusive behavior I have not heard of but a lot of people believe that bullying and cruelty doesn't exist in private school esp if its a religious school. That couldn't be more untrue. Your experience sound exactly like my best friends daughter in high school who is now 20. I'm very close to her and had to watch during those years the toll the cruelty took on her. She was also a lot like you in that she did not alter or cave to what everyone else said she should. She withstood every offensive cruel verbal arrow shot at her daily. The boys that would pretend to like her and ask her out on a dare for a laugh. Even tho she was able to withstand the arrows each one pierced her heart a little more and damaged her confidence and ability to trust completely. I am so genuinely sorry you had to edure that suffering alone!!!! I can guarantee you this much look up those horrid people who haven't given you a deserved apology way later in life and I guarantee the majority of them are reaping what they sowed in their life in some way. I have a deep faith and time and time again I've seen that when I don't try to get vindication from an injustice and I give it up to the one I believe in who promised He'll fight for me if I just stand still and trust Him I've always been vindicated and seen justice served in a major way!!! It sounds like you were and are a very strong person even in the midst of cruelty! Yeah I agree that age old saying should prob be retired and a new method introduced. One thing I taught my daughter to do if being called names or messed with is laugh just as hard about their funny as they do and others with them and then tell them how funny and clever they are. stay in character doing the exact same thing if they try again even making herself smile at them in passing. Sometimes this method quickly bored them cuz they aren't able to see thru ur character the hurt they are trying to cause a. Even if it take 5x never Break character and laugh even harder exaggerating their ability to be witty and funny. This so confuses people if you can stay consistent in character which is not easy when it does pierce your heart each time. I never taught my daughter the sticks and stones saying cuz its ineffective. Thanks for sharing your experience with me!!!!
a year ago·Reply
10