2 years ago
quietone
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Part two
This time I'll be finishing up my school days this where it starts to get depressing and only more so from there. Yea if almost being killed by your crazy ass mom wasnt enough haha. Any who enjoy.
Well when I started junior high that was the most social time in my life thus far to be honest. In sixth grade I had a friend in school and the art teacher took a liking to me, most did to be honest. This was when I learned about music see when I was younger I often heard of the fabled clarinet my mom had. Despite her smacking me around I still wanted to make her proud and coo over me for something. So in my brain the best way to do that would be to do things she did. Starting with the clarinet I loved it immediately I remember playing in the band room alone. Since all the other kids knew the basics already I had to catch up which I did with ease. Ever since a young age I was a creative I guess haha. This was also the time I got into my only ap class. I was easily smart enough but the homework load was unreal and it defeated me. So I never even tried, I forget how I got in I think I cheated or something. It was a math class geometry or algebra I think and I was in seventh grade when I took it. I also was a weekend bowling team. Due to my unsocial ways I stayed to myself alot during my first year but I liked bowling. The second year I switched teams to be with a deaf girl she wore hearing aids but I thought it was the coolest thing ever. She and I connected pretty well and grew fairly close to each other. We did pretty good too but there was a black sheep team that I always had an interest in. Back to my time I spent in school I took a liking to my english teacher. Probably cause I was one of few who listened to her and wasnt afraid to tell people to shut their fucking mouths as she spoke. If I remember right she wanted me to join the school paper. I dont think I did though. Out of school I had some friends in the neighbor hood there were six including me. I was the only girl there but I never felt like one I was one of the guys. Another hidden message that pops up later on. We did alot of dumb shit and I mean alot. We had company of some sort near the playground we terrorized. They had a ton of boxes once and we took them. I put all the boxes on and we called it box sumos then everyone would jump on me trying to get me to the ground. Each of us took turns, then at the playground wed climb all over and hang off shit. Try to show off I guess. The train tracks were down a small dirt path under the park. One time one of the guys showed us how to make a flame thrower with an axe can and a lighter. The dumb bastard set his pants on fire and we all laughed as he put it out. He wasnt hurt magically and to the stun of us all. We went trick or treating once too took us three hours and I remember wishing I had a guy body so I could pee in the woods. It seemed so natural for me to have one too I just didnt notice it. How was I so blind? Any way we got a ton of candy that year one lady who lived down a hill gave me and my best friend a ton of candy. We were the only kids she got that night and called us brave. There was a field trip that year too but for whatever reason I was the only one left behind. Chances are I cussed out a teacher or didnt do my homework I did have a hatred for my math teacher. I hated my homeroom teacher too come to think of it that bastard called me crazy. I believe in aliens and put a drawing on my desk of an alien and the asshole let the kids tease me while he laughed. Then I grew obsessed with carrying around a ventriloquist doll my grammy made for me. Dont ask me why I was probably lonely and sick or being picked on for dumb shit. If I could Id go back and fight my way out of that hell hole. I was only there for two years. The second band director I had was a little neurotic but I liked her alot. She took to me too since I didnt care what chair I had they were all special. That was the same school I faught my first fight in I also got dodgeball banned there. There was a girl a year younger who like to make fun of me. One day on the bus I lost my temper when she made fun of me. With the bus driver who loved me and my best friend watching I grabbed her by the hair and slammed her head into the window until her glasses fell off her face and she was screaming. Proud of myself the bus driver stopped and said I had to sit in the middle of the bus from then on. That was the last I heard of it. That year my bowling friend also kinda abandoned me. I had to bowl alone alot without my team so the coach put me with the black sheep. It was amazing bowling with them and I had alot of fun they were different like me. Which brings us to the last school I went to. The first year I was quiet and didnt say much I ate alone until a friend made me sit with hers. That was when I met a girl who was interesting to say the least. Since I slipped through the system I had to choose between art or shop and home ec. I chose art which I loved that was were I learned about being gay. A girl in my class kept calling me homophobic and I yelled back that I never heard of it before. She kept calling me it til I hit her in the face and told her to tell me more about it. At the time she was bi I dont know or care if that ever changed. When I found out I could like girls it was like finding a golden ticket for me. The next year I came out to my own friends as bi. That was the only time I went to dances of any kind it was fun they were for Halloween. My favorite holiday besides thanksgiving. I tried out for the volleyball team. Yet another thing I did to try and impress my mom. Which failed miserably but I became the team manager taking score and making sure the equipment was all good. Not all was a waste though I found out that Im good at making people laugh. During practices I would say something smart or pretend to fall off something. All the girls were able to relax some when I was around which I think made me realize Im good with people. Once I was doing something climbing on a chair when I actually fell off the damn thing and hit my head. They stopped and looked at me worried until I started laughing. At this point I knew my head could take alot of damage so one fall wouldnt kill me. I also had a habit of jumping off the stage in the gym. The coaches which were juniors in highschool would laugh and tell me to be careful. My home life was always the same being alone with the pets as my only company. Not to mention moving from trailer to trailer and bad place to bad place. When my parents were home most of the time we fought and argued with each other. My mom would lose her temper and smack the shit out of me. No matter how bad I wished I could I couldnt bring myself to hit her back. Even when she beat my head into doors or walls, it got to a point where I refused to let her touch me. Sometimes Id flinch when anyone tried to touch me but no one ever asked questions. Through out my childhood I remember spending alot of time in counselors' offices but I dont remember why. Since my mom never left marks no one ever thought I was being hit at home. Not to mention all the names my own parents have called me and still call me. So anyway the next year was when I started to find myself I realized I liked girls not boys. I felt a connection to guys and pretended to like them but it seemed wrong all wrong. Then I found out I had the biggest crush on one of the volleyball coaches whose sister was in my grade. Shes a nice genuine person and very attractive to look at plus my crush was kinda obvious. Id wait by her locker and ask how her day was shed smile and tell me Id miss my bus after a few minutes then I tore off to catch it. I never dated her it was a one sided thing I told her on facebook after she graduated. She was flattered but didnt feel the same as I did but thats ok. During that year I was introduced to marching band I got a taste the year before and I was hooked. The year before I was also introduced to the instrument of my dreams. The band director who wasnt my biggest fan asked the clarinets who wants to play bass clarinet? Me and two others volunteered and she led us into the storage room. Where out in all its glory was the bass clarinet I practically pounced and clung to it. The others said no it was too heavy I said to myself good its mine anyway fuckers. I got into a fight in that room too. Some guy kept calling my mom fat and out of honor I defended her and told him to shut it. He kept going and I warned the dumbass Id make him pay for it but no one listens to me. So when the bell rang I blocked his way and in front of his friends I shut his head in the metal band door a few times until he was crying. He never said or looked at me again he switched schools too but i dont know if I was to blame for that. Back to freshman year it started with the right of passage into the band. Which meant the section leaders lining us up and making march into each other. Many other dumb things were done there as well including water bottle football. Another was a contest I had with a senior to see who could hold their hand in the ice filled water cooler longer. That came to a stop when the band director (God bless that woman for a million things) screamed at us I think she cussed in italian at us. I loved that woman dearly she was like me kind and always there but didnt take shit from nobody. To be honest I think I was her favorite student our of my class if not the band. She saw the passion for music in my eyes and immediately took to me. I miss her sometimes. That feeling in the band room and on that field was amazing and Ill never forget it. There it didnt matter who you are or what you look like you were just one of many making an awesome sound. That year was when I found out I had a temper on me I had a few mental breaks haha. The first was band camp when a girl kept kicking me in the head making me pissed. I kept telling her you make it to three you wont make it to four she did it a third time. Fuming I stood up and got in her face asking if she really wanted to fuck with me. She pushed me and I shoved her back the director was in the office and asked what the fuck was going on. We played innocent and the next day she had the vice principal in questioning each of us what happened. In the end the girl got demoted indefinitely and I knew the director saw everything. The next was during a practice and I exploded on two upper classmen. Each kept talking in my ear saying different things. I couldnt take it I stopped and cussed em both out acting crazy. The director pulled me out and started screaming at me then I started to cry (she has a strong ass presence) The last one is when a senior in my german class made it a habit to block the door. I hardly had enough time to make it to my bus as it was and one day I couldnt take it. He held the class in for a solid two minutes we had five before buses left. The damn teacher didnt say anything even though we kept telling her so i pushed him. Still nothing I was too gentle then I felt a shove and shoved into him he popped out. The next day my german teacher bitched me out in front of my friends like I was wrong. My eyes were wide like are you serious frau the literal fuck? She made me apologize in the library but he never showed for whatever reason. I hid most mornings and lunches in the library reading or just relaxing. I started writing that year off and on then I did it more and more. Freshman year was standard I guess I had like five friends and beyond that kept to myself. I skipped alot I almost failed because of it I was on my last day haha. Talk about cutting it close, I did do stage crew that year. Ironically the stage crew was made entirely of band kids, there was me and a trumpet player on lights. A drum major on the board and some tenor sax and a two clarinets on props. That was a good time hanging out with them even though the woman who headed the musicals hated my guts. During one of the shows I sneezed and the light went to the ceiling. Man all I saw was her charging down the aisle at me I was scared shitless. She cussed me out and I reminded her I should pay attention which only pissed her off further. All was well and I didnt hate freshman year that much. Sophomore year was were my nightmare truly began. That year I had a crush on my best friend who had the same name as me, I never told her mind you. Id carry her around on my back we ate together a couple times and even called her my better half. Then my band director retired the year before much to my despair. That graduation ceremony was terrible it was her last performance with us and I was saying goodbye to a couple friends. She was by far the best director and teacher I ever had for the spring concert she even gave me a special part. I was the only bass clarinetist that year and she gave me a part only I had and told me to play extra loud. She has no idea how much that meant to me sure it wasnt technically a solo but it was to me. The next director had no tuba and I felt bad for him so I told him Id do it. Big fucking mistake but thats a little later. They all told me no and I didnt listen I shouldve to be honest. I got in another fight that year with the interesting one. She used me because I apparently scare people and she needed a bodyguard. So she pretended to be my friend I found out and screamed at her. She was talking to the one who called me homophobic on the bleachers and she came down and pushed me. I went a step back and used it to slam her into the bleachers she got a concussion and I walked away to my counselor. The gym teacher was a sub who didnt mind me I told her where I was going without stopping. She asked "Dont you need a hall pass?" I turned around and asked "Who the hell is gonna stop me?" and kept walking. The next day they had us and our counselors sit down we bullshit our way to lunch. Me being naive and lonely agreed to make peace. I distanced myself and eventually sat with another friend where I had a good view of my other crush. She was beautiful and smart she rode the same bus and we had the same homeroom. After lunch Id walk with her to her math class all dorky and try to talk to her. Little became of that one haha. Another altercation was in my japanese class where a guy called me fake because I get giggling fits sometimes. Our teacher was in another school so she couldnt do much when we got started. Mad I started to cuss him out and I went against my rule by pushing him first and put him in the trash can. Then I sat back down and said all was calm. Nothing ever became of that one. Back in band the director wouldnt let me pass off to anyone but him. It had to be perfect I guess instead of the tradition of us passing ourselves off and forging the papers. So I had to work that year and I had a solo but he didnt give me credit for it. That made me so mad I was working hard and I actually got what I always wanted and I wasnt recognized for it. It made me crazy since he wasnt smart with moral of the band. Percussion and myself almost blacked out on him numerous times due to weather and not enough water breaks if any. Plus for my solo I had to spin around with that fucker in the middle of the damn field. There was a few times I wanted to puke one day I put it down and walked off the field in the middle of practice. When he asked what the hell I was doing after he stopped everyone I calmly yelled up to him. "I gonna black out I need water. Im not your field slave dammit so Im gonna get water." He just looked at me and called for a water break. We butted heads a few times due to his negligence. Another was when I was in the low brass hallway which was a small hall between the prop room and auditorium there was a bathroom and changing rooms. The band director always used a private room his was the one in the low brass hallway. If you couldnt guess its called that because the low brass always had that spot to practice. Anyway during a practice he went back there and in this hallway were stacks of chairs about 7 ft or so. I decided to push one in front of the door and lock him in there. That was funny he played it off as a prank instead of as a mini uprising. Hes lucky I let him out of there but if I knew what I know now I wouldnt have. There were also a couple incidents with the tuba, which included stashing food and energy drinks in the bell. Then I got my head and arm stuck in it due to a dare to see how much I could get in. Finally at the amusement park we did a parade at someone knocked it down and made a volleyball size dent in the bell. He blamed me of course but that one was new. I damaged three by dents two were new oops. At another parade I didnt have enough time to adjust the bell and tighten the screws. So I spent most of it with the bell in my face unable to see and it doubled the weight since it was off balance. That was fun. When marching ended and concert season began he wanted me to play tuba instead of bass clarinet I told him fuck no. I went to honors band and went against a solid twenty bass clarinetists for three spots. Unfortunately I got four no one from my school got in which doesnt surprise me. I had the best chance of getting in, the stunt I pulled at district got me banned from county. I left to donate blood and couldnt find my director so I told another one, I reacted bad to it and it took me a little longer to bounce back. He got mad demoted me and kicked me from county and honors. For once my parents did something for me and fought him on it since I bought the music. My parents stopped going to my concerts and never went to the musical to support me. That hurt me deeply watching everyone else's families smile and wave at them but no one was there for me. During the second musical I worked the spot light again no mess ups that time. At the end we all had bags for flowers and such I was the only one who never got any. Even the rest of stage crew got them that just reminded me how much of an outcast I really am. No matter how ignorant I tried to be the truth always haunted me. In my math class we got a sub a couple weeks in and one of the guys kept being disrespectful. Which led to my last mental break of anger one day I stood up calmly and threw the desk at him. It didnt hit him I didnt let it I made it land halfway between us and yelled at him to shut the fuck up before I made him. The sub was fresh out of college so she wasnt good with discipline. She thanked me quietly (I think I scared her) and told me she could handle it. The guys eyes were wide and yelled "Arent you gonna punish that freak?" I calmly suggested my counselor. Thats where I went and I eyed him on the way out. If you havent figured it out yet music was very dear to my heart and it helped keep up my air of ignorance. For the record ignorance is bliss while it lasts. Obviously being drum major was my dream and I worked extremely hard for it. I lost alot of sleep over it too and I went to all the workshops to help us prepare. For a solid couple months I ate slept and breathed those try outs. When tryouts came I was so nervous I mean who wouldnt be your dream is staring you in the face. The only part I messed up was the whistle commands because I was nervous. After we had to wait a couple weeks til the banquet to find out the results (no sleep then either) When it came I went in confident that it was mine that something I worked hard on would actually pay off. No such luck instead of him calling my name he called the name of my better half. That killed me and I was never the same again Im still not. From that moment when he said her name I distanced myself. Everyone around me called me dumb and stupid that it meant nothing. I was crying my eyes out calling me dumb doesnt help thanks, I spent a solid hour in that bathroom crying. Stunned my best friend came in with the whistle around her neck. We agreed that it wouldnt ruin our friendship but it kinda did in a way, we still talk but theres a wall. My family called me dumb as well and I shut out the world a deep depression took over me. I went mute for awhile until my parents forced me to talk again then I did it to a minimum. I ate lunch alone from then on and kept to myself. To this day if I hear a whistle or the song I had to conduct to I have a bad panic attack. Which led me to drop out after the year was over I flunked anyway and Id have to repeat the grade.
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4 comments
You are anything but dumb and stupid. The problem is that as self aware as you are at your age, most people just simply can't relate to you or understand you. Get used to being smarter than the majority of people around you. It's not a bad thing... but most people sincerely are not to to think, feel, or express themselves on the same level that you will.
it took me a long time to realize that but just spending time with my parents made me realize I got most of the brain cells in the blood line and I found it can make me impatient with people my own age ignorance is bliss but so is being self aware that means you know what's going on and you can change it if you don't like what you see