As Halloween comes closer, I can't resist waxing nostalgic about Trick-or-Treating as a kid back in the New Jersey suburb I called home. I was a professional when it came to the act of going door-to-door in my costume, strategizing where the best candy would probably be, switching my crappy, tiny pumpkin pail for a huge pillowcase from my mom's linen closet.
Yeah, you know you've been there too.
Dumping out your findings at the end of a successful Trick-or-Treating session was always a moment of victory - that is, well, until you got any of these.
Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the Halloween candy edition of Let's Smack Talk.
Because not all confections were created equal.
Dude, Necco Wafers are the kind of candy you give to someone you hate. I never trust Necco Wafers - probably because they look like every street drug your school's DARE officer warned you about.
Pro Tip: If it looks like chalk, smells like chalk, and tastes like chalk, it's probably chalk.
Speaking of horrible things birthed from the Necco company, who else remembers Mary Janes? Are they toffee? Are they butterscotch? Are they peanut butter? All I know is this stuff tastes as old as its WWI-era package design.
The Brown Candy Corn
Do you know what's worse than regular candy corn? The 'alternative' candy corn that comes with a caramel or chocolate layer. I feel like this is Bracht's attempt at making a disgusting food better, meanwhile no one has the heart to tell them it only makes it grosser.
Vanilla Tootsie Rolls
Just when you begin considering the possibility of a God, you find out that your Halloween candy stash is 30% vanilla flavored Tootsie Rolls, and you return to the fire-breathing, hex-plaguing heathen you once were. Good job, Vanilla Tootsie Rolls. You did it again, you jerks.
Milk Duds are basically the bane of an orthodontist's existence. It's like chewing chocolate-covered rubber cement under the guise of caramel. Milk Duds were probably invented by the CIA to assess the average American child's tolerance for pain.
When compared to Mary Janes, it's probably the lesser of the two evils, but it doesn't stop it from being utterly disgusting. I heard they named it 'Bit-O-Honey' because its original, more appropriate name 'Candied Cat Poop' wasn't really helping them make the sale.
You might know Palmer chocolates as the foil-wrapped eyeballs, mummies, and Jack-O-Lantern chocolates you save for once you're done eating through your fun-sized Baby Ruths, Snickers, and Twix bars. They're popular because they're cheap, but oh boy, are they chalky!
What's YOUR least favorite Halloween candy? Is it something on this list or something else?
Sound off below!