2 years ago
AmbieB
in English · 860 Views
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[TRIGGER WARNING(?)] A penny for some thoughts...
I honestly don't even know which communities to tag this in, but I'll tag it in kpop since that's where the challenge popped up - if I'm not mistaken... Okay. So, there was that challenge...rule thing(?) where everyone had started making cards and talked about a time in their life where Kpop helped them get through something really tough. I never did the card. 죄송합니다. I can't say that this is a card necessarily about that, but I can say that it's related. I feel like I make a lot of depressing cards... I'm sorry about that. >.<"
I don't really know where to start... Well, there's the card that @kpopandkimchi made thst I just read about TOP kind of sort of unintentionally talking a fan out of committing suicide. I really shouldn't read things like that even if they are really touching. I'm an extremely weird person, okay?
Anyway, Kpop has honestly gotten me through some days where I just wanted to curl into a ball and cry forever. And, some days, where I seriously just wanted to end it all, without even thinking of looking back. SHINee was the first group that I ever really got interested in. Pretty boys from a foreign country with dance moves and vocals that brought out the 두근두근. Why wouldn't I want to stare at them all day? It was my freshman year of college that I got into them, which is officially four years ago now. My second semester, I stopped fighting it and decided to take myself to counseling. I was taking Psychology 101 for my requirements and when mental disorders, such as depression, anxiety, and the like surfaced, it was almost like alarms went off in my head. All I could think was... "They're talking about me..."
I took a few diagnostic type quizzes that were on my school's wellness website, along with a few other from different sites that I can't even remember, to be honest. All I know is that I kept getting the same answer. I should probably seek help.
It's never something someone wants to hear. As a whole, we're trained, whether intentional or not, to not accept being anything by normal. That it's wrong to be different in any kind of way, you know? ...this is really weird for me to talk about and I don't want to make this card long and weird and etc. I just kind of need somewhere to vent though, I guess...
Anyway, I intentionally scheduled an appointment with the counselor on my campus to see if she could help me understand better if I possibly had Social Anxiety Disorder. I used to come close to fainting and vomiting whenever I was in places with more than...about ten people? Classes were hard for me, but I could handle it. I just quietly avoided everyone as much as I could. Things always seemed worse whenever I had to give a presentation, whether with a group or by myself. Not to mention, I had gotten twice as bad around groups of people after a Fourth of July incident but that's not all that important here. Anyway, depression became a topic of our discussion. It was something else I was really curious about and, let's just say, it got to the point where I ended up signing a waiver(?) promise kind of thing that I wouldn't take my life or try to while I was on campus, along with an emergeny contact number in case I tried. I didn't exactly try but moving on.
One of the things I remember most was her and I talking about ways to get me "out of my hole." Listening to music was one of the things I stated and SHINee's "A-Yo" was a song on that list. I don't even know where I'm going with this card anymore... I guess all I really want to say is that, there comes a time when it gets better and it doesn't hurt anymore. None of it does. I've learned though, from my own experience, that it can go two ways: 1. Either, you don't focus on those things anymore thst dragged you down, as in you managed to separate yourself from it all; or 2. Like me, you just become numb to everything and everyone...
Kpop and K-Entertainment, in general, have opened up my eyes to different things and, I happily admit, I feel like stumbling upon it was really a gift from God. I found new friends and new things that I became/could become really passionate about. Even in my dark days, when I'm back in my hole and want to hide away from the world, I still want to be that person that can help save the world. I just want to do something. I'm beginning to imagine that's why art has become so important to me, more and more over the years. I want to be that person that can inspire or change or brighten something up for someone else. Art is all I know.
I'm sorry for making a weird card. I just don't know where I am anymore in life or what doing with myself. I don't know what this card is even about besides me admitting that I am a waste of space with enough time for a lot of self-pity parties. Please, forgive me. ><
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@AmbieB now great card that you made really done well and I dont care if its long also you are amazing person for sharing your story thank you~
@EmilyGardner Thank you for reading it. I really do appreciate it, especially since it is pretty long. ^^;
@AmbieB..Hey I think you are an amazing writer..and many people here in Vingle relate to you..You are not alone. as I read your story I was having back flashes of my self in college..so..Fighting. .and I am still waiting for Wake me Up part 2..you know those are my babies .hahhaha.
@luna1171 Thank you very much! ♡ It's just, when you get down so low, it's hard to remember you're not alone, you know? ^^; Ah! That's right! I need to post it. xD