a year ago
AlloBaber
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9 Ways Kisses Go Horribly Wrong
Kissing is the most amazing thing ever, right? WRONG. Sometimes kisses go horribly, horribly wrong. I'm not saying that every single one of these has happened to me, but... I'm also not not saying that. Ahem.

Too much drool.

The classic. It's YOUR saliva – keep it (mostly) in your own mouth, please. Gravity is often the person to blame for this one. If you're kissing vertically, please just be conscious, because drowning in someone else's spit is not how I want to go.

Overly aggressive tongue.

I know we've all heard making out jokingly called "tonsil hockey," but honestly, if you think about it, that sounds like a highly unpleasant sport. It's kissing, people. Don't try to shove your tongue down my throat. (Unless I ask you to? Idk.)

Any kind of pain.

Kissing's supposed to feel good, remember? Biting my lip too hard, stabbing me with your stubbly beard hair (that actually hurts like a MOTHER), grabbing me too tightly, forcing my neck into an awkward angle... the list goes on. Listen, if you hurt me, you can go kiss yourself.

Getting caught in my hair.

I have long hair, and it's kind of a constant problem. Trying to comb your fingers through it might seem sexy in the movies, but when you encounter my tangled ends and insist on dragging your fingers through it anyway (even though you're tugging on my scalp in pretty much the most painful way possible), I will NOT be pleased.

Falling over.

Maybe, unlike most of us, you're incredibly graceful. Maybe these kinds of things never happen to you. Maybe you're perfectly capable of making out in an upright position without tripping over imaginary obstacles, falling over furniture, and finding yourself on the floor instead of the bed where you planned on landing. I don't pretend to know your life.

Bad breath / weird taste.

Oh god. I'm cringing just writing this. I've broken off more than one kiss because I can't fricking stand the way your breath smells like cheese, or how I feel like I'm eating, complete with food particles, whatever disgusting oniony sandwich you just had for lunch. EW.

Different levels of enthusiasm.

If you're way (like waayyyy) more jazzed than I am to be making out, especially if we're in public, I'm just telling you now: I will feel deeply uncomfortable. And probably not kiss you ever again. Being a good kisser is so easy – it's just a matter of reading the other person's body language and responding. So try to understand what I'm telling you when I pull away, run around a corner, hop into a dumpster, and never call you again.

Your dog tries to get involved.

Is there anything weirder than an animal watching? Yes, yes there is. An animal trying to get in on the action. If your dog tried to climb on the couch with us while we're making out, even if he's just a sweet pooch who wants to know what all the fuss is about, I'm not going to keep kissing you. I'm just not. And if your dog farts near us... forget it.

Someone (uninvolved) clears their throat.

There it is, the universal sound of disapproval. I'm sorry, but the feeling of a judgey adult's eyes burning into me as they mentally cast me into the depths of whore hell is NOT an aphrodisiac. Yet another reason to kiss behind closed doors, where no crotchety old people and/or dogs can come along and ruin everything.

Or... you encounter this guy.

He seems like he ruins kisses pretty thoroughly.

Well, this has been an increasingly angry list of how kisses can go wrong. I hope you have enjoyed my ranting!

Do you have any stories of kisses gone horribly wrong? I can't be the only one. @InPlainSight? @Arellano1052? @EddiePozo? @TessStevens? Everyone else?
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