If you have been wondering where I have been, I have been here. Watching all of you plot and plan to take over Vingle like it is yours. Also, I got lost in the woods. I've finally found my way out and I'm glad I did because I'm not too fond of grass, trees, leaves, or anything really.
It seems a lot of you are worried about Ghostgate and what that was all about. I assure you it was probably about nothing because I wasn't there, or I was, it really depends on who you ask. But if you ask Rick, don't believe a goddamn word he says because Rick is a lying piece of garbage who borrows your lawnmower with no intention on giving it back because you are dead/a ghost.
Okay, yes, fine. You know what? I'll admit it, I TP'd a bunch of houses. So what? Like you guys haven't done anything you aren't proud of. I'm sure someone who is so quick to admit they are crazy (ahem, @quietone) must have thrown a roll of toilet paper at a tree at least once. That doesn't make me that bad of a person.
Mostly because I'm not a person. I am a ghost. What else do you expect me to do with my time? While all of you are busy working day jobs, or taking care of children (gross, unless a penchant for children endears you to me, then AMAZING, CHILDREN ARE GREAT)
Alright, I didn't think this would happen. But yes, I'll admit it. I lit a bag of poop on fire and left it at someone's doorstep. Allow me to level with you very quickly. I am a recent ghost. And as a specter, I forgot that I could walk through walls and scare people by just saying "boo" or something.
But recently, I have learned that I do not have to wait to scare the poop all over someone's doorstep. There are funny, young adults who like to play with Ouija boards and conjure spirits. The funny thing about these young adults is that their voices hit a particular pitch as I dismember their friends. "Oh Paul the Ghost, why are you doing this?" they plead. Because I am bored.
And! You called me over! I didn't light the candles and paint the pentagram on the floor. You guys called me for a service (the service being killing you, your friends, family, etc.). And I wanted to make good on that service. That's the thing about humans; always trying to find someone else to blame even though they're the ones who are responsible.
Okay, okay, okay. Maybe I came off a little too strong there. I'm just a ghost with thoughts and feelings and humans don't seem to understand that. Maybe it's ethically wrong to kill, haunt, and torture teenagers when they call me over with the Ancient Ceremony.
But maybe, humans don't look at ghosts the way they should. Maybe me, a ghost, wants to fight for the rights of other ghosts. We aren't Patrick Swayze, or Slimer, and Jennifer Love Hewitt's Ghost Whisperer show is pretty goddamn offensive.
So I guess, I'll run for President of Vingle. Maybe then, I'll get to see some real change for the ghost world. Or maybe not. I'm not sure if I actually care about this whole thing. There are a lot of ghost-things I can be doing (see: scaring your children, family, friends until they are dead like me).
And! After looking through all these people who are running for President, didn't all of you promise me votes a million ghost-years ago when I had first become a ghost? What's with that? At least I've never changed, right? (I'm literally talking about all of you that commented on my coming out as a ghost card. @InPlainSight @nicolejb)
That being said, the only person involved with all of this that I might actually trust (still figuring it out) is @VinMcCarthy. We've had our differences in the past -- you don't like anything that is good my friend and I am sorry -- but I think you would be a great campaign person, probably. And if you think might be pretty okay at politics shoot me a message or an e-mail at email@example.com (that's not real, don't e-mail that address).
Just as a reminder. Here are my campaign promises. I'll do whatever it takes to do to be your ghost unless it involves actual work. I don't care. I also came up with this pretty killer campaign slogan:
"Vote for Paul or He'll Haunt Your House (honestly, I can't promise that I will because I'm kind of busy and all these video games and movies are coming out. So, if I could fit you in to my very tight schedule, I'll come by your house, steal your pet, put them in a tree, and then probably, maybe pull your intestines out of you through your belly button. It's not like I want to hurt you but all these other ghosts I've met are getting on my case for being too "friendly", so it's nothing personal. I'm just trying to be cool)."