Over the past couple of days it's become kind of obvious to me that a few of you like the Belcher family. And @LizArnone in particular likes Gene. So I thought to myself, "Hey, I like Gene, too. Why don't I make a card about him and stuff". We all already know that he's a musical genius and he loves farting/eating but there's more to him than just those two things.
So following is a list of things we can all learn from Lil Hard Dad to be better versions of ourselves. And isn't that we all want? To be better than we were yesterday? Right? Or is that something my Dad told me so I'd do my homework? Whatever, I digress, let's get into it.
1. Stop Caring About Things
Well don't stop caring about all of the things. But just don't care about most things. I mean, what else do you need to care about other than pizza, tacos, television, video games, movies, and your mom? I've been blissfully living my life thus far ever since I stopped caring about whatever bullshit you guys care about. I can't get lost in the fact that Daniel will never love me as much as I love him, I have to move on with my life, okay? So what if Janet stole him away from me? I don't think about these things, I don't care about them. I hate you, Janet.
2. Know When to Hit a Guy in the Crotch
When I found out Daniel went to the Sock Hop with Janet after I had asked him if he wanted to come with me, I found myself in an uncontrollable rage. And, you know what? I'll admit it, I cried. I punched a couple of lockers. And after denting a couple of dozens of those things, I decided that I should just punch Daniel in between the legs and make him physically feel what he did to me emotionally. I imagined it perfectly, I'll punch him and say "that's how I feel but emotionally, you punched me in the crotch of my heart, Daniel, you jerk!"
But when I saw him -- with Janet -- smiling. I couldn't do it. Be happy, Daniel.
3. Be Innocently Unaware of the Opposite Sex/Sexuality
Let's face it. Sex ruins everything. The moment before and during are really, really great. But the afterwards is horrible. You'll be standing there while they put their clothes on -- on the other side of the room -- covered in someone else's body fluids asking yourself, "is this what I really wanted?" And you'll answer it for yourself. And that answer will be no, it isn't what you wanted. Every time you have sex, you'll wonder why you're doing this to yourself. You'll tell your partner that it felt good, or that it was the best, when really, you felt nothing. You wanted it to be over. You hate this side of yourself and wish you were never born. You'll wish you didn't know about sex and what it could mean and how it could be used as a weapon. You'll hate that you did this to yourself, sullied yourself, for a reason other than one you came up with on your own.
Keep yourself in the dark. Stay the same your whole life, find happiness in yourself instead of in someone's arms.
4. Be Okay with Making References that are Older than You
If you're reading this, chances are there are things that happened before you were born. And sometimes, like, in school, I guess, people will tell you that you "don't get it" because you weren't there to experience it. Well, who cares about that? Gene Belcher doesn't care about that. And you know what? Neither do I! I'll talk about George Michael all I want. I love all of his music and I want to dress like him and get caught in a bathroom cruising the same way he did. I'm all about it. You can be Queen Latifah and I can be George Michael. Let's live our lives.
5. Make Mistakes
Everyone is so afraid of failure that it holds them back. And sometimes you don't jump in that van after this local skate team asked you to come with them to just skateboard everywhere because you were afraid. Sometimes you find yourself in a relationship that you hate because if you break up with that person you'll feel like you made a mistake the next morning. But you know what? Don't be afraid of mistakes. Make them. Make all of them. Eat tacos on a toilet, sleep with that girl you just met because she has a Sacred Geometry tattoo, eat that whole pizza pie even though your lactose intolerant. Live your life, Paul.
Live your life the way Gene would. Ask yourself What Would Gene Do (WWGD bracelets coming soon) before you do anything. Live that life. Live Gene's best life.
Well, after writing all that I've decided that I'm going to be myself being Gene while Gene is doing an impression of me. I know it's hard to wrap your head around but it makes sense. Trust me, it's the only way I could move through life.
Nothing else matters. Not Daniel, not Janet, not Sacred Geometry Girl, not your hometown, not your friends, nothing. It's pizza, taco toilets, and Gene Belcher for the rest of my life.