a year ago
MelissaMae
in English · 4,600 Views
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Victim Blaming is Abusive and Ignorant.
DON'T BLAME THE VICTIM. I know this is quite long but honestly, it is the best thing i have ever read that explains why the victim isnt to blame for the abusive behaviour of an abuser. Everyone is to blame for their own actions. Putting the blame off on someone else for your bad or abusive behaviour is narcissistic. This article also addresses something else that i find to be a major issue. Trying to make every person who stays in a relationship with a narcissist wear the label of co-dependant is wrong. This article explains why. WHAT IS CO-DEPENDANCE? If you're researching psychopathy, sociopathy, and narcissism, chances are, you've also come across this term called co-dependency. So what exactly is codependency? From Mental Health America: An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment An extreme need for approval and recognition A sense of guilt when asserting themselves A compelling need to control others Lack of trust in self and/or others Fear of being abandoned or alone. JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A NARCISSIST AND TRIED TO MAKE IT WORK DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY MEAN THAT YOU ARE A CERTIFIED CO-DEPENDANT. Whether you're currently in the midst of an abusive relationship or just getting out of one, most of these things probably sound very familiar. So the natural course of thinking is that you might be codependent, and that's why you ended up in this bad relationship to begin with. First things first. There is nothing "evil" or "pathological" about being codependent. These are learned behaviors that can be unlearned. Whether it came from a toxic family situation or a string of bad relationships, there shouldn't be any stigma around codependency. If you've exhibited patterns of these behaviors in the past, there are a million resources out there to help with building boundaries, self-esteem, and independence. But if you're exhibiting these behaviors after one bad relationship, I would strongly urge you to refrain from labeling yourself (or allowing someone else to label you) codependent. Psychopaths manufacture desperation, desire, jealousy, dependence, addiction, and anxiety. It's what they do. So if you're feeling those things after a relationship with a psychopath, that was the intended result. It's sort of like diagnosing yourself with clinical depression after the death of a loved one. Yes, your depression is very real and probably meets all of the symptoms of clinical depression, but it's also a universal part of the grieving process—an anomaly. I hope that survivors of psychopathic abuse also take the time to work through their own unique stages of grief, before making any sweeping decisions about their mental health. And here's the bottom line that @Indie917, @Outoftheashes, and @SearchingForSunshine all articulated so well in our discussions about this topic: regardless of whether you're codependent, insecure, naive, vulnerable, or a perfectly healthy human being, abuse and exploitation are always wrong. Nobody deserves to be abused. Abusers toss around the word "codependency" because it unloads all of the blame onto their victim. But being codependent does not somehow make the abuse more acceptable, just like leaving your car unlocked does not mean you deserve to have your car stolen. Victim blamers love to scream about how you'll never recover, grow, and heal if you don't "accept the blame" for your role in the dynamic (because it takes two to tango and blah blah blah). But here's a neat concept: it's perfectly possible to recover, grow, and heal without accepting the blame for someone else's horrendous behavior. That's how we build self-respect and boundaries. That's how we learn to stop absorbing someone else's projection, excuses, and minimization of abuse. We all come from unique pasts, relationships, and experiences. In that respect, our recovery processes will also be unique. So if you see someone else introspecting about codependency, that doesn't automatically mean you're codependent. Likewise, someone with codependency need not look at someone with a healthy past and feel hopeless about their own recovery. It is never too late or too early to make big changes. What I'm trying to say is that despite our differences, we're all working together towards the same goal here.
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5 comments
@grapetoes2000 it's not really my work. i just copied it from the internet. but im glad that you like it. ☺
I really enjoyed reading this especially for kids who have abusive parents and have no choice but to rely soley in their abusers
I am recovering after more than 23 years of living with the idea from others that I am of no use and a burden to others. It finally resulted in me trying to even things by taking me out of the equation. Which was not the right solution and I am glad that I did not pull it off. Finally I am starting new era and growing strong Realizing that I have surrounded me with narcissists and other abusive people thinking they were people that loved me. While I did what I was told to. The most difficult thing for me was to break the ties. Like I was having "Stockholm" Syndrome. Today, by cognitive behavioral therapy and treatment for PTSD and support of good people that cheer me on towards my independence I look forward to live my life for the right reasons. Being me. This Article touched my heart to the core, because it was my tendency to blame myself for being Codependent and weak and that I called it upon myself because I am flawed. But I can unlearn and I can make a better life for myself. Doing it right now. This should be taught in school before we enter relationships or start our life in this big world. It could make difference. Namaste'.