Hey, just a heads up. This card isn't going to be humorous. I'll be talking about some serious shit here. Near the end I talk about how I'm helping myself to becoming a happier, more positive person (If you wanna stick around ~).
I remember I'd always hated school
Waking up in the morning, getting dressed in clothes I only buy so that I can fit in, putting on makeup so I don't feel like a hideous freak, and walking in through the doors leading to hell.
In elementary school, it wasn't so much of a problem. I guess I was just too naive to understand the severity of my loneliness. I only had one friend who eventually left me alone to hang out with the cool kids. That left me as the loner nobody wanted to be stuck with.
However, once I got into Junior High, reality just rammed itself into my life. hard. I had very few friends and was dealing with issues at home. Things would constantly go wrong in an environment I was supposed to feel safe in, and then I would have to stay in school for 7 hours. I had to endure all the pitied looks I got from my peers and the special treatment I received from my teachers. It made me feel weak.
I remember how I loved writing. Poems, to be specific. Though I used very little word play, I liked the serious aura my poems gave. I talked about things most seventh and eighth graders don't think about. My English class thought I was depressed. And maybe I was. Maybe we're all depressed in our own ways, even if it's not extreme sadness. We all feel lonely, rejected, cold, and hopeless at times. But for some of us, that feeling always lurks behind the shadows of our insecurities. Trailing behind us, criticizing our every move. Once we stumble, it makes sure that our knees hit the ground.
Eighth grade was the hardest year so far. I was stupid and gullible, believing anything that came from anyone's mouth. That's what hurt me in the end, I guess. I got so attached to people that when they decided they were done with using me, I begged them to stay. I was so caught up with their false personalities, false statements, false identities, false interests... in me. When I realized I was nothing but worthless trash to them, I would get upset over it. But that feeling would subside as I'd learned to get used to it. And then there I would go, looking for yet another superficial relationship. Even though superficial meant genuine (though I didn't know).
Everything about school was fake.
The people were fake, the friendships were fake, the teachers were fake, the feelings were fake. It was all artificial crap that would kill us in the end. All of us were so caught up in succeeding, but not in the educational sense. No, those kids at school could care less about something like that. At school, status was everything. Status meant popularity. Status meant cool friends. Status meant that everyone liked you. Status meant that nobody would hate you and your quirky personality. It was something we all wanted. But in order to get it, we had to become carbon copies. Therefore, our personalities became bland and we were all the same. All afraid to be different because we feared that people would look at us as if God fucked up. And suddenly, it seemed as if finding a genuine person was as hard as finding a needle in a haystack.
The people at school made me question the future. I don't want to continue living on this earth if everyone was going to turn out like those assholes from school. Call me a coward. Accuse me of running away from my problems. It doesn't matter to me anymore because I'm perfectly aware of that. I know I'm just as afraid as the guy across the street. I know my mind is somewhat like that of a 5 year old. I want what I want and I listen to what I want to hear. I know. But sometimes, it all gets to a point where you want to give up. You want to give up on coming to school everyday, having to communicate with those horrible bullies. You want to give up on making them understand that you're MORE than just that shy, Asian girl. But most of all, you want to give up on making yourself understand that you're more than just that shy, Asian girl. We just want to give up. And some of us manage to do that quicker than others.
Everyone was a total bitch.
If you weren't up to their standards, you were dirt beneath their feet. You deserved to be alienated. If you were above their standards, their jealousy would cloud their puny, little brains and make them lash out. You deserved to suffer. The second they saw someone just the slightest bit different, they judged them for their clothes, their hair, the way they walked. Everything. Every school has that one Queen Bitch and her side hoes (more like her boyfriend's side hoes). Unfortunately my school has one too many. And when you have a swarm of idiots, it's impossible to swat them away. They get pleasure from hurting people. It's disgusting, but all so fascinating at the same time. How could one be so insecure that they find the need to make someone else feel even more self conscious? I guess all of us humans are disgusting in our own ways.
The looks my teachers gave me when I come to school after a week of absence: pity. The "talks" they give me when they think they're a licensed psychologist? Out of pity and false understanding of my position. None of them understand. None of them will ever understand. We all have our own situations, but how could they simply tell me "I understand how you must feel. You're not alone" and expect me to be any more happier? I am alone. Sometimes I like loneliness. It makes me feel calm and brings peace to my mind. Sometimes I don't like loneliness. It makes me feel exposed and afraid. It brings unfamiliar things to view. I feel like a mess and a disgrace. Disgrace to what? I don't know. All I know is that I'm not someone anyone would be proud of.
So do I like high school?
Obviously, I don't. But I do find it important to go, because it's the stepping stone into college. A shit ton of jobs these days require a college degree and though I'm a totally lost and insecure person, It doesn't mean I don't want something for my life. I want to be successful. I want to be something my parents aren't. I don't want to become like them, stuck in poverty, but at the same time I do want to become like them. Not the poverty part, but they worked their asses off to get their 3 kids into school with clothes on and some lunch money. Their motivation was their love for their kids. Did we fight? Of course, and we still do. But we're always aware of how much we really need each other. For everyone struggling out there, please read this next part.
NEVER GIVE UP.
how cheesy LOL. Maybe you guys were expecting some super inspirational quote or something, so sorry. But this is all I've got. And let me tell you that those three words saved me during the times I was hurting the most. There will always be something for you to live for. In my case, my brother. He's only five and so he doesn't understand the complexities of our family issues. But I do know that I want to be that big sister he can rely on. And for me to be that role model, I need to be alive. So when I'm having a metal breakdown, I remind myself, "There is someone out there who needs you. You may possibly be the reason they keep going in life. If you choose to give up halfway, what makes you think they're not going to as well? Get your shit together and continue on." and it works every time. Sometimes we all need a break, I get it. Just make sure you'll be able to pick yourself up after that break. Find out a little more about your self. Find hobbies, surround yourself with positive people and good influences. Trust me, it's a step closer to becoming a happier person. I'm still on my road to recovery and it's not easy. Insecurities and doubts constantly reappear. But that's life, and sometimes you just gotta show life that you're stronger than that. I know you are. You know you are. Good luck everyone... I know I'm not the most inspirational or sentimental person ever, but hopefully I cracked a teeny bit of light into your dark tunnel. Persevere. Remember that if you need any help, someone is there for you. Though we may not understand what you're going through, sometimes it's just nice to know that there's someone who is willing to listen. Love, Jinha (@daljiyong)