Constellation is the configuration of stars, especially at one’s birth. But it can also be an assemblage, a collection, or a group of usually related persons, qualities, or things. For example: the constellation of friends.
It was the brightest constellation of all. All the stars in it were unique. It was not that many of them, but their power was strong. The connections between the stars were indescribable. But it seems there was an even stronger force out there that managed to shot down the entire constellation.
A few months ago, when all of this started, I had this situation. I was lying on the floor, outside. It was dark, and I had music in the background. I was starring into the sky, an empty sky, without a single star. I felt so hollow at that moment. But while I was concentrating on the sky, I noticed a star. One, single star. I felt like I was starring at myself. And that was when I realized. If I want to get better, I need to work on myself, to concentrate on myself. And after a minute of starring into that one, single star, slowly other stars around that one, were getting brighter. So then I thought about it. If first I make myself better, to make myself happy again, after that, the others will be happy as well. So in the end, we are all going to be alright. But then another thing happened. As the other stars were getting brighter, the star, that was representing me, was dying at the same time. So by the time when all the other stars were at their brightest, the one, single star was gone. Is it necessary to tell you any more?
We can not be alright simultaneously. It does not work that way. It is one way, or the other. But you can see that happened a long time ago, since now, I do not care, if we are alright together. There is no us anymore. Now all that is important to me is that we can all move on, and start our new lives.
The constellation is gone. There are stars, and there is this one, single star. I am getting a feeling I am a bad influence on people. So it is just a matter of time, when I am going to end up all alone, because pushing people away is apparently my new thing.
Now, all my closest friends are gathering together and spending time together, without me. I am often being accused of being mean, that I act like a selfish jerk. Maybe I really am all of those things, but it is for their and for my own good. We have come so far, that if I want to hang out with one of my friends, I need to hide that from the others. No wonder I feel like a virus. So it has to be me. I am the problem.
My star vanished from the constellation. I just hope someday, it will be reunited with it again.
*NOTE that this was written 3 years ago, when I lost best frienship I ever had (to two of my "then" best friends). I don't feel exactly the same way anymore, tho there are some things that had not changed. And to answer my hope/wish from the essay; My star did vanished, and so did the constellation. I was never reunited with it again, but the star is getting stronger and stronger, and it knows that someday, it will be a part of a new one, or even create one.