a year ago
Arellano1052
in English · 1,780 Views
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To Argue or Not To Argue?
Okay... @allischaaff @ButterflyBlu and anybody else who happens upon this card. I need help. I'm so confused by this, and I've received so much different advice that my logical and emotional and personal mind can't decide on the best course of action. I think I'll just type as things come to mind, so I apologize for the messiness and the confusion it may cause. My friend and I argue. A lot. About little things, mostly.. We've had only two huge arguments. I am a huge smart-ass. And I have no problem arguing, and arguing back. I enjoy when somebody tries to argue with me, and I make them so mad, that they start yelling or just give up. I'm a horrible person to argue with, because I don't really care if my opponent finds what I say hurtful or not. Because I see a huge difference between talking a problem out and arguing. Once you're arguing, I don't consider it problem solving. Arguing is forceful. She thinks I sometime agree with her to just agree with her. And she doesn't like it. But if I disagree with her, it causes an argument. Even if I truly agree with her, she thinks I'm just placating her. And that starts another fight. She'll say little things or make smart-ass remarks, when she knows I'll respond in kind. If you want to poke at my buttons, I'll push yours right back. And she can't handle that. And I find it pointless that we fight. We aren't together. We aren't a couple. We have no freaking reason to be at each other's throats all the time! Have I agreed with her to shut her up? Very few times. But just because I don't think we should even be arguing, and because I don't want to argue with her! So, if I argue, I'm in the wrong. If I don't argue, I'm in the wrong. After a fight is over, she'll bring up an aspect about it in a sarcastic manner, to poke at me, and if I just give her the death stare, or ignore it, or just respond with a non-committal, "Okay.", she gets mad and it starts a new fight. If I poke back at her, she gets mad and it starts a new fight. She calls me an ass and a smart-ass and the like, but we've never ever actually called each other worse, serious names. So, I don't know how to deal with this! She even told me that she doesn't want to date somebody who always agrees with her like I do, and when I brought up the fact that the reason why we fight all the time is because I DON'T always agree with her, she kind of stumbled and said,"Well, it's a mix. I don't know." A close female friend said to try and defuse the situation instead of arguing back, another said to argue back, another thinks that I should tell her, "That hurt my feelings. Could you please not say things like that? If you disagree, let's discuss it so we can solve the problem?", another said that it's pointless for us to argue, so just ignore it or walk away, eventually she'll get the idea. As Brandon, if I disagree, I'll say something. If you're a smart-ass to me, I'll be one right back. And I'm an excellent sarcastic, penetrating jerk. I have no problem annihilating people. I've taken 4 speech classes and three debate courses, and with my childhood/upbringing and personal perception skills, I can say some very impactful and precise things that hit hard. I don't really get mad, but I will admit, I've gotten mad back at her twice, and those were our two huge arguments. If anything, I get irritated, because I find our arguing to be pointless and irrational. But I care about her greatly. I just don't know how to handle this. Because I've never dealt with this. Ever. Even my parents didn't argue this much in the 20 years I've known them, and they argue consistsntly. Would you say it's a good thing or not? Nobody has been able to keep going back and forth, and desired to, with me. And more than anything else, our.... Colliding passions, make me feel overwhelmingly stronger for her. It's the weirdest thing. I don't know if my mind considers it as effort, and that's something I'm not used to.... I just don't know how to stop us from arguing so much. Because if we catch each other on a bad day, I can see one or both of us saying some violent things, rendering our friendship/relationship irreparable that can only come from us knowing each other for so long and knowing each other so well. And I don't want that. So... I don't know if that made any sense, but I will answer any additional questions to the best of my ability. What do you think I should do? What is the best thing to do? Why is she acting like that? Haha Is us butting heads necessarily a bad thing? Or is it good? Help? Haha
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@allischaaff Yeah, I have. It's been three days since I stopped talking to her, so if I'm making a mistake, I think there's still enough time to bring it back haha but if anything, I would still like to understand.
And oh crap... I never responded to ChriSingularis's message. =_= I'm so sorry! I read it, but I wasn't home, so I told myself to respond later, and when I did my nightly check of my inbox, it was already read, so it didn't stick out and trigger my mind to respond to it! My apologies -.-
@allischaaff thanks for the tag. So butt and head is not a good combination. The question to ask is "is the argument worth winning? Would I lose my friend or hurt her just because of something that's of no importance?". Pick and choose a battle. I used to do that too where I would just argue just because. But I've seen people argue about measly things and they would add up and compound eventually leading to a big bang. For example, fighting and arguing over who made the mess is of no importance to me. The important part is there was something that done in the past and can't be changed. How can we make the situation better? How do we resolve the problem? What can we learn for the future? On the other side, if I know something is a really bad idea and have a strong gut feeling that it would hurt her if she follow through, I would fight. It has happened in some instance where I know by doing this action, he or she will end up regretting it, but she did it anyway. As result he or she felt the pain, but he or she learned a lesson and as a friend I was able to help them get through (of course you don't want to say but I told you so). You don't have to win everything just because. And you don't want to do that because you might lose things on the road to winning. What you want is probably picking the right battles to fight. Now arguing and fighting is not a bad thing, it's how you handle it. By arguing you learn more of the person and their perspective (you just have to see it from their eyes). Arguing can be used for growth, in the right context. Based on what I feel in the tone of your text, I could feel the fight. You can argue with soft tone and including their perspective. By including their perspective into your argument you invite them to see your perspective. See where I'm getting? It's also how it's presented. If say the argument is presented in a harsh tone, the response would be a defensive response where they would also be harsh. And if you follow the back and forth, it would just escalate. However, if it's presented in soft tone, it would be shown as calm and collected. Plus, when you're heated you might miss something that you might have picked up when you are calm. And also, you might say something you will regret when heated. That's a long sermon. Just think about it from a different angle, which I think you can easily do @Arellano1052. Take your time and when you're ready just talk and discuss. Also I think she is someone you should keep in your life, based on the information you shared. Not everyone can stand who you are. Those who can, you should keep. They will stick around and have proven that.
@ChriSingularis I felt extremely frustrated through writing this, which is why I wrote it in the first place. She and I have been close friends for almost five years now. For the first 4 years, we never argued. However, we found ourselves both single and we became best friends, and then I felt our relationship shift a bit. Over the course of the past 6-7 months, feelings started developing that made being just regular friends not enough. And THAT'S when the fighting started. It was a small comment here and there, and since we both have insane senses of humor and are both sarcastic, it was normal. But, it started getting to actual arguing. Up to this point, nobody had ever sought after arguing. Nobody I viewed in a Romantic light, or even just friends, had ever said something with the intention of wanting to get a rise out of me. There are pages I could write about character analysis on both of us, which would help this a lot more lol I completely understand what you're saying.... And that's when she gets mad, because "Oh, you don't think I'm worth arguing with?" "You never listen to what I have to say!" "You always agree with me! You don't have to! If you disagree with me, fucking tell me!" "Fine. If everything I say isn't right, then I'll just shut up and stay alone forever. Bye." I have tried different ways with the arguing... Because I don't want to fight with her. There's no conceivable reason. We never used to before! I unabashedly love her. Her happiness is more important to me than mine. I love and admire many, many things about her. @allischaaff knows some of the things I've told her. She knows my thoughts on her.... Since we've known each other for so long, I've seen her at the lowest points in her life, and the highest. I've seen her go through the second half of her crazy teenage years. I know the things she considers flaws. I still think she's one of the most beautiful people I know. And that's not even getting into what I feel for her aesthetically. I just don't.... Want to fight so much. I don't like arguing with her, because I don't want her to be angry or hurt or feeling negatively. And after 7 months straight, I'm finally tired. I still love her. I'm still IN love with her. But I keep getting told it's not worth it. That nobody should go through this much turmoil. And I'm starting to believe them. And it's scaring me. I know I miss a lot of obvious things that are obvious to people who think emotionally. I... Don't know what else to say. Thank you for your time and advice, and I'll adjust myself as the situations call for it.
Good luck buddy. Well it's life, there are things that you have to go through. The way I see it it, this can be a challenge life throws for you two. It can bring you guys closer or break you guys apart. I want to know her point of view (just because I'm curious and also you get a different perspective). I don't know or have the right answer for you because I feel like it's your decision. Follow your gut instincts if all fails. Wish you the best, man.