I go about my day thinking about a lot of different things. Sometime they don't make any sense (like the time I spent a couple hours daydreaming about renewable energy) and other times, the make total sense.
Like this for example. I was sitting outside, in the cold, smoking a cigarette, and drinking a coffee and thought about more video game characters fighting each other. And then I thought about Sonic the Hedgehog, which is something I generally do all the time I mean WHO DOESN'T THINK ABOUT SONIC THE HEDGEHOG ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
Anyway, I was thinking about Sonic and who it would be cool for him to fight because he's kind of irrelevant now but also still the most relevant thing in video games/television today. And that's when I thought about him fighting Crash Bandicoot. If you were born after a certain year, you probably don't know who he is BECAUSE HE IS ACTUALLY IRRELEVANT NOW.
And what would that fight be like? Oh who would win? Who would come out lookin' like the coolest mammal thing in all of mammal things?
I've had a pretty good history Crash Bandicoot. When I was a small baby lizard, I spent a lot of time with Crash. I remembered all the times we'd break a bunch of little boxes (not the green ones) and get peaches or plums. I was never able to tell the difference between those two fruits but it didn't matter to Crash, he'd eat them all. And some boxes (not the green ones) had little Masks in them that made him make weird noises and protect him from harm.
And that might be the thing he has over Sonic. And maybe that weird spin he does too. But Sonic also does a spin-thing. So, I guess it's just that magic mask thing. Like, what if Crash has that mask? He has an easy way to win. But Crash is kind of dumb. I mean, he's the only character that somehow hasn't adapted to speaking English like the rest of the cast. But that doesn't mean he isn't strong, right? He is probably, maybe, well how do I say this... he seems more limber than he looks though, right?
Sonic the Hedgehog
Now, Sonic and I; also had a pretty good history. As a small little baby alien boy, I had a stuffed animal (what small little baby alien boy didn't?). But instead of a teddy bear or a small polar bear or a hamster. I had a little Sonic the Hedgehog. And I never let that guy leave my side. I mean, I'd carry it every place. If I was Linus, Sonic was my blanket. We spent so much time together, on the playground, and in the living room.
Sonic is the fastest hedgehog on a computer screen so there's no telling to how this fight will go. Or maybe it's obvious. Maybe I wrote this card because I really love Sonic and I think he should win anything, so I put him up against someone who would immediately lose. Because who would Crash Bandicoot ever beat right? Especially when Sonic is so fast. He goes so fast, you guys.
Like, have you ever been in a car or a plane or a jet and for some reason you're just watching the numbers increase and increase and increase. And you're sitting there and the belt is pressed against your chest or your stomach and it almost hurts because you're going faster and faster and faster. And you scream to your captor, "Please, slow down, I'll give you the launch codes, please just slow down" but then he doesn't he just jams his foot into the pedal even harder and you watch the world around you become a blur.
Sonic goes faster than that.
Do you see how bored Sonic is? Crash Bandicoot is nothing to him. He'll sit there and have a weird tea party with rocks because that's how little Crash is in his eyes. You hear me? Sonic is the best and Crash is nothing. But what about you guys? What do you y'all think? Is Crash marsupial enough to take on the Hedgehog? Or is Sonic really the best?
(I'm so sorry Crash, I am I swear it's just you left me, you know. Like what happened to you? You didn't even try to stay in my life, you left after that weird racing tournament you were in. And then Sonic came and picked up the pieces. There I was, lonely and looking for a friend, missing my friend. You were my friend, Crash, but you left. And I can't keep giving you chances, you took advantage of me. I'm sorry, I really am. At least Sonic tries. His games might not be the best but at least... at least he's there for me.)