Earlier this week, a number of top American retailers announced their official 'doorbuster' deals for this year's Black Friday shopping event. As many of you know, Black Friday is an unofficial shopping 'holiday' that falls on the Friday after Thanksgiving, where shoppers across the nation head to their local malls to get a leg up on their Christmas lists and score huge deals on anything from electronics and kitchen appliances to designer clothes and trendy toys.
Last year, I celebrated the holiday by posting a Black Friday horror movie trailer. This year? I want to write a special card going out to all of you working retail on Thanksgiving and Black Friday. I know that feel, bro, and it sucks.
You guys, customers are insane. Okay, they're insane every day of the year, but on Black Friday, a whole new breed is unleashed into the wild. Let's meet them, shall we?
The Shopper With All The Coffee
How To Spot Them: They're shaking and aggressively pointing at their Starbucks, shouting to a security guard: "YOU THINK YOU'RE TIRED? I'M ON MY FOURTH COFFEE!"
This person did not elect to take a post-turkey nap before heading out to the stores and now they're overcompensating on lack of sleep with plenty of caffeine. They're abnormally loud, anxious, and competitive - determined to get the 4 AM deal they waited all night for.
The Shopper With All The Flyers
How To Spot Them: They're holding up a checkout lane at a Target, Best Buy, or Bed, Bath, & Beyond near you. And they're also fumbling through a whole lot of coupons.
These customers do NOT mess around. They've been creating the perfect Black Friday shopping strategy since the first wave of doorbusters were announced. Are they really shopping for other people or just milking the deep discount for what its worth?
The Shopper With The List
How To Spot Them: They're making a list (and checking it twice, obviously).
This person does not want to worry about Christmas shopping again until next year's Black Friday. They know everything they're going to get, who it's going to, and where they're going to get it. Just don't be the sales clerk that has to help them track everything they want down.
The Shopper With The Kids
How To Spot Them: THEY HAVE THEIR KIDS AWAKE AND AT THE MALL AT 3 IN THE FREAKING MORNING.
WHY IS THIS KID AT THE MALL? GO THE EFF TO SLEEP.
The Shopper With Many Questions
How To Spot Them: Oh, don't worry. If you're an employee at said retail location, they're bound to somehow spot you first.
Okay, I know that part of the job of a sales associate is to answer the many questions that customers might have when deciding whether or not to purchase a product. But then there's the ones who expect you to be their private shopper. They ask you for ideas as to what to buy their niece who's off in college, ask strangely specific questions about electronics, and make you stand while they hold a sweater up to you because you're 'kind of built like their cousin Steve.'
So to those of you who are just finding out they're working on Black Friday, good luck to you. It's a crazy retail world out there, but fortunately, you've got your co-workers to stick it out with. (Go, team, go!)