This is an excerpt from my personal journal. I was just feeling so confused... I hope I made the right call. See what you guys think.
November 13, 2015
He doesn't want to date right now. Because of the distance. He didn't say that, but it's pretty obvious through these texts... so I had better get used to the idea before our visit.
Jenny looked over the texts, and she doesn't agree. She says he's just being a guy. I don't know. This is what he said – that he has no expectations for how our visit will go, and that he's trying not to put any pressure on himself, or on me. No pressure... pressure about what? My first thought was pressure to date me. But now that I think about it, it could be a different kind of pressure – pressure for things to go perfectly. To go well. For us to feel the way we did.
I know how I feel about him, of course. The unknown variable is how he'll feel. Jenny said if the time we spend together is good, then of course we'll end up dating eventually. I guess I just need to be okay with "eventually."
In theory, I can be okay with that. If life doesn't get in the way. If we don't let it. Because the ultimate goal is to end up together. I can put that off for a bit.
He's already said he's thought about us getting married. How much more of a foot in the door do I want? I just keep being afraid, despite all the signs, because he doesn't express his emotions the same way other people do. That's my theory, anyway. He's not controlled by them the way others are. He's much more logical. So it's hard for me to know what he's really feeling, beyond what he chooses to let me see.
Reading the texts again, I feel reassured. I understand a bit better now, I think, what he was trying to express. And he's nervous, too! How did I fail to consider that little gem? I mean, he's him – what could he possibly have to be nervous about? At first, I was afraid that he was worried about, I don't know, us wanting different things, or having to let me down easy or something.
But he doesn't want to see me just to be friends, or just for the physical intimacy. He's him. If he wanted a casual hookup, he could get it easily – a whole lot of 'em, actually, with minimal effort. But that's just not him. And as for the "just friends" theory, you don't tell someone that you're "just friends" with that you're not going to date anyone else for the next two months, because you really want to be single when you see them.
He doesn't want mere friendship, and he doesn't just want to hook up. He wants us to date. He wants to be together.
We talk so consistently, with both parties reaching out. He talks about wanting to meet my family, and visit my parents' house. He flirts with me. He writes me handwritten letters. He plans things for us to do together in the future, like go skiing with his family, or write essays together. He loves my mom and little sisters already, though he's only met them over Skype. He's so proud of my performance at my job. And the things he's written about me... there are so many signs, really.
I need to remember that, and believe in them.