Depression and its silent screams for help: A survivor's account
These days, it seems like every high schooler is depressed. Just like ADD and bipolar disorder, depression is characterized as one of those diseases that people can develop and suddenly be cured the next day. I remember when I was in high school, I would overhear students mention how they are calm one second and mad or very happy the next, then they would just shrug it off and say "Oh, I'm just really bipolar."
Of course it's all fun and games and looking back, even if I had known I was diagnosed bipolar at the time, I wouldn't have taken offense, not only because I know he/she didn't mean harm in the first place, but because most of them are not even aware of the actual symptoms in the first place.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder (also known as manic depression) in September of this year, along with Impulse Control Disorder. What most people think about bipolar people is that we can change emotions almost instantly, and for some, that might be the case. But the majority of bipolar people have episodes; some can last days or even weeks. Another stereotypical idea is that those with Bipolar disorder are violent and can be a threat to others. This is not the case. In fact, bipolar patients are actually MORE of a threat to themselves than to others due to their erratic thoughts and behaviors.
I remember waking up when I was having a depression episode. I didn't want to move. I didn't want to open my eyes. There were nights when I would close my eyes and wish for it to be over because I believed that dealing with life was too hard and redundant. At school, I would be happy when I would see my friends, yet something inside would tug and tug and not let me be. My thoughts would turn on me and say things like "You're only in everyone's way" and "Without you, your friends would be better off." Even when I fell in love, my Impulse Disorder would make me rush into decisions and I would smother her to the point where I was suffocating her with myself, and it didn't help when we broke up (I broke up with her, and I still regret it). I visited a mental hospital twice in 2015, once in April and again in September, and both were for the same reason. I didn't want to deal with life, so I took it into my own hands.
But I am here right now, and let me tell you something. I'm better now. My friends have made the biggest difference in my mood. I now have a job which I love, I attend college, and my best friend never leaves my side (I love you Franco XP). I have people to talk to whenever I feel down. When those horrible thoughts come into my mind, I do something I love, like watch Anime or play video games. I have an opportunity to fight my disease, and I am taking every step possible!
(My best friend is the one on the left)
Before I go, I would like to ask of all of you for one thing. Please go online and learn more about Depression and Bipolar Disorder. Do not do this for me, but for someone else. My friends did not know how bad I was until I went to the hospital, and one of you might know someone who is going through the same experience. In fact, if you are going through hard times and you just need someone to talk to, I am here. I believe that if I would have had someone reliable to talk to, I wouldn't have gotten as bad as I did. So please, read the symptoms. Learn the signs. And most of all, never lose hope, because in this cruel world, that's all we have left.