I am anything but perfect, many have said that they believe that my life is solid and together, almost perfect... but it's not. I am constantly haunted by two demons... their names are depression and anxiety.
My depression started in middle school, and my anxiety in high school. I was extremely bullied in middle school which forced the brunt of my depression out, when I got to high school I made friends but my anxiety chipped at my self confidence. Unaware that these demons had names I withdrew into myself and eventually, having enough, I was sent to therapy. Eventually I started missing appointments, and then stopped going all together. But I wasn't a problem child... I just stayed away from home and ever communicated. I used words as my weapons but I was incapable of physically acting out.
It was my last year of high school that I met my now husband... but I did something terrible... I told myself that these two demons would eventually leave if I became happy enough... I just needed a few things to achieve that happiness. I kept the depression and the anxiety away from him for years... as I did with everyone in my life.
I went to college and realized that these demons were effecting my grades and relationships with people near me again. My sophomore year I decided to seek counseling on my own, but in secret. That summer I flew off to Ireland and you could say I "discovered" myself as I was thrown into a new country 100 percent by myself. I accepted these demons as part of me.... but as I began to share that, people became uncomfortable.... so I internalized again... the only person I spoke about my problems with was my amazing counselor. She was my only outlet...
A few of my family members accepted this new revelation as they began to accept their own depression or anxiety... I'm not the only one in my family.... but others treated it like a curse... many of my friends out of a lack of understanding would not label it... it was just something that would go away. I can't blame them... there is a lot of stigma about mental health out there. I began to mention it in passing to my then boyfriend, but it was clear it never stuck with him.
Now here I am alone in this new home... because I'm "exhausting"... because even though I'm the one being hurt and lied to... my depression and anxiety make me the one that is hard to deal with. Internally I understand that the lies that I discovered were not very big... not relationship ending... but my two demons tell me my world is collapsing and yell it until I believe it myself. Forced to speak they come out in harsh, loud words that I regret the instant they come out... "What was that?" I'll think... that's not what I wanted to say...and when he left the words "please don't go" were held onto by my demons as they told me reasons why it would be better that way... He'll be back tomorrow... but my demons are still hear.... what will I do next... is it really my fault?
Sorry this was so sad, but I'm in a new state thousands of miles from my family and friends... and I have no one in this moment... and I'm admittedly very afraid of myself.