RapMonnie
3 years ago10,000+ Views
This is a story that I've made on wattpad. It's not doing so well, so I'm deciding whether or not to delete it, so I need you guys' opinions. Is it good? Do I need to make edits? I'd love to have some constructive criticism.
"Alright, class, can you tell me the answer two number 17?" Ms. Kee asked. The class stayed silent. Ms. Kee sighed. I stayed, laid back in my chair. I really didn't care about this class. Nor did I care about school. "Okay then, anyways, we have a new student. Class, please wecome Kim Namjoon." She said as she wrote his name on the bored. He walked in, neatly dressed, he uniform was cleaner then I have ever seen. "Annyeonghaseyo, my name is Kim Namjoon. It is nice to meet all of you!" He smiled. "Thank you Namjoon. Ah.. you can go sit with," she paused and looked around the room, then made eye contact with me, "You can go sit next to Chai Hyeon." She smiled as she pointed to the empty seat next to me. I scoffed. Damn teacher. I sat up straight and slouched over my desk. Namjoon smiled as he headed my way. But as he walked he had tripped, broken his glasses, broke someone's pencil holder, and tripped again. "It's okay guys! I'm good! And I'll buy you another pencil holder, just wait until I get my pay check okay?" He smiled. He bent over to grab his glasses. I smirked at him. This guy is a total clutz! He breaks everything! "Ah, Hello..umm..." He trailed off. "Did you already forget my name?" I laughed, "It's Chai Hyeon." He smiled with his dimples showing. Then the bell rang. "Okay, class! Please pull out your English work!" Ms. Kee said. "Ah.. Man. I can't see without my glasses." He mumbled to himself. "Really? You're that blind dude?" I laughed. "Hey, you have glasses too, you have no say in this!" He whispered. I took his glasses from his hands and taped his glasses together. "Here, now stop crying." He took the glasses and mouthed thank you. "Ohh, the new boy is pretty hot. Aside from him being clumsy, we could make a cute couple~" One of the girls sitting next to me bubbled. They talked about Namjoon like he was some sort of toy. Ugh, I hate these girls. Namjoon poked my shoulder "Do you have the English work? I'd like to look at it." He asked. I smirked at Namjoon, "Are you sure you'll be able to handle it? It's pretty advanced." He looked like he was day dreaming "Well, I'm pretty fluent in English myself." He spoke in English, and straighten up, proud of himself. I looked at him impressed, "That's very good, but not good enough. Infact, I grew up with a mother that spoke very fluent English. So I know it pretty well." I said in English with a smirk. Before he could say another word, the bell had rang. I quickly packed up my stuff. "Well, I gotta go nerd. See ya never." I waved him off. I pushed through other students, making my way to the back school yard. I need to blow off some steam, I hate talkative people..
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Its pretty good. You have a few spelling mistakes so just try to proofread your story. Also when you're writing a story occasionally stop while you're writing and read what you've written. It helps with me. But please update I would love to see more!!! @Bitterlimelight
@MadAndrea Yeah, I gotta work a little on my writing.. I'll make sure to make the next chapter perfect (hopefully!)!!
This is different. A very timid Namjoon. Hmm. But to be honest, writing wise it needs work. I suggest you just rewrite it and flesh it out a bit more. I really like the story but it's really cheesy in some ways. He manages I trip, break his glasses and two other things? That's very unnatural. He also says "It is" most people say "It's". It's also pretty weird that class had started before the new kid was introduced and the fact that the bell rings after class had started. I also feel like the class ends pretty abruptly. There were a couple other inconsistencies but it'd be hard to point them all out. It's just some typos and stuff that could use proofreading. Overall the flow is very bumpy and her character (the narrator) is kind of inconsistent too. She's cocky, uninterested, talkative, but hates talking. It's an awesome start. Just try rewriting it with a clearer mind now that you have the idea. I hope I didn't come off as too harsh but I really want to see how this story goes and I want to help you.
It's good! 2 things, in the first few paragraphs there's a bored that should be board and a then that should be than. Don't be afraid to be detailed and paint a picture! Don't rush things too much and add in thoughts the girl might be having as she tapes his glasses or stuff like that. But it's still only part 1 so I can't critique your writing style toooo much lol. Sorry I picked it apart so much! I liked it and want to see where it goes so tag me in any more parts please ^_^
I really like it and would like to read more!
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