Everyone has that one friend, that you can't figure out why you like them. They're crass, rude, annoying and totally anti-social, yet they just never go away. Yes, they're fun when you go out, and they're there for you when you absolutely need them, but they never miss an opportunity to make fun of you. Your squad wouldn't be complete without this friend, your very own little jerk. So here are 10 gifts that would be perfect for them. You know, thoughtful gifts to show them, "Hey, you're an asshole, but you're my friend, so here you go. Merry effing Christmas." Right?
1. Passive Agressive Post-Its, Literally
The Knock Knock stationery brand is perfect for those of us who aren't so subtle with our friends or co-workers. So find that person that constantly pisses you off and give them a gift that will keep on giving long after the post-its run out.
If you don't want to appear like you're giving a gag gift, open up the suckers and write down an entire post-it ream's worth of insults. That'll really help you ring in the Christmas cheer.
2. A Donation in their name.
One of the coolest gifts for people who are jerks is the "donation" gift. You know, doing something nice for someone else in your favorite little jerk's name. They're sure to hate it, because most little jerks are self-absorbed AF. So, if you really want to piss someone off, give them this...the gift of giving! That's what Christmas is all about right?
3. A literal bottle of tears.
You can fill this sucker up with water, give it to someone and say, "For all the times you made me cry this year" and just laugh it off. Even though you really mean, "Fuck you meanie!"
Plus, you could give this to a really close friend. It's super weird, but also hilarious. #merrychristmashereisabottleofmyliteraltearsbye
4. Anything Guy Fieri related.
Nobody wants this for Christmas. Trust me. If I got a Guy Fieri related gift of any kind I'm not sure how I would react. Disgust? Sadness? I don't know.
5. Fruitcake of any kind.
Yet another thing that nobody wants for Christmas. Usually reserved for pranks and old people Fruitcake is the ugly step-child of the holiday season. Just forget it existed and move on. Nobody deserves this. But if you're truly evil, or passive aggressive...it's a good thing to give.
6. A DIY-tastic thrift store teacup and saucer that shows how you really feel.
Dork. Jerk. Loser. Geek. Twit. Nasty. Gross. Troll. Whatever, just get some microwave safe craft paint and let the insults fly. People will thought you got it at Urban Outfitters or something. I'm sure they'll thank you for being trendy.
7. Slippers that clean the floor...for your jerk of a roommate.
These could be a funny gag gift, but ultimately they're a message. Much like the horse's head that Don Corleone bestows upon his enemy in the Godfather, these represent a threat, "Clean. Or I will destroy you." #bye
8. Purchase the memoir of someone they hate, and give it to them for Christmas.
Jerks love to hate on people. If they're a conservative nut job, buy them Obama's book. If they're a leftie nut job, buy them something written by Bill O'Riley. You know, the classics. Likewise for any celebrity they hate. I knew a kid who hated Gwenyth Paltrow. I'm not sure why, but he just hated her. So of course, I purchased her cook book for him for Christmas. Spreading the joy you know?
9. Make them a cute, tongue-in-cheek Christmas card.
I'm sure they'll laugh. And it won't cost you any money! Gotta love wordplay. ;)
10. A Coffee Mug that really says what it means.
Happy Christmas Jerks. #bye.