MERRY CHRISTMAS I HOPE YOU GET EATEN BY A POLAR BEAR
...is the only sentiment I can imagine the above greeting card conveying.
Guys, people in the olden days used to do really weird things. Like eat things made in jello molds. And think that sending any one of these Christmas cards is a good idea.
A Merry Christmas to you, Jim. May a frog stab, kill, and rob you.
Why? Why reject the pudding? Are you trying to say I've gotten fat?
Have some horrifying racism for Christmas. Delicious. It's weird that "Oh, Honey," was still a thing white people thought all black people said back then, just like it is today.
A Christmas Greeting to you, fair Jim, and a slice of baby pie.
Oh my god, it took me so long to figure out what the pun was here.
WISHING YOU A HAPPY CHRISTMAS FROM THE SCARY CREEPY BIRD FAMILY
MAY THEY NEVER STOP STARING AT YOU FROM THE DARKNESS
AND A HAPPY NEVER SLEEPING AGAIN
I thought we had all accepted by now that we were just not going to mention how drunk Auntie Joan gets at the family Christmas party.
Hi Creepy Santa. That's a pretty sinister look you got there. I didn't know they meant that whole "sees you when you're sleeping" thing literally. Also why are you letting that naked doll play with her hair?
A Happy Absurd Christmas and Hearty Greeting From Yonder Lad In Tights With a Whip and A Poodle Sitting on a Pig. Yah!
And may your bottles of alcohol make out with each other.
BABY WITH A SAW. BABY WITH A SAW. ALL I CAN SEE IS BABY WITH A SAW.
Who knew the addition of some simple punctuation (and weird buck teeth) could make poor Santa so creepy?
"You're not giving anyone any presents now, Santa, because we have entrapped you in this giant ball of snow! Muahaha!"