The ocean breeze never really amazed me and the feeling of it going through my hair just made me more irritated. I walked across the beach, feeling the warm ocean water around my feet. In my own way I was always afraid of the ocean. I used to think to myself "What's on the other side?" but I never dared to swim because I was afraid of drowning myself. So quiet, there was no one around me, just my lonely self. I hear a voice not too far away. A voice I know all too well.... my aunt. Seeing her after 16 years brought back memories that I was still hiding in "Pandora's Box". She approaches me with such calm and normality as if nothing had ever happened.
"It's nice to see you again"
"Well its not nice to see YOU. Were have you been all these years, huh?. No calls, no emails, hell, not even letters and all you said was "It's nice to see you again". I send dozens of letters telling you about my life and how my therapy was going and yet I got nothing in return. You know what the most hurtful thing is?, the fact that even though after my mom died and I was raped by my psychotic father........ you never bothered to ask me "are you ok?". "
"Go fuck your self. The world would be so much better without a careless and selfish slut walking around"
I walked away with the tears falling down my cheek. She left too and again I was all alone.
My anger was never gone. All these years and she expects me to forgive her that quickly. My aunt was always selfish. I lived with her after I turned 19 and it didn't take long to notice how absurd and disgusting she is. Sleeping with a different man every night and some were women. She leaves the house in the middle of the night and comes back at almost 4 in the morning with a man or a woman. I could hear them kissing and moaning through my walls and I just had nightmares and a very wild imagination. At mornings when she wakes up, her partner is already gone and she went back to her rude and careless self. She doesn't talk to me for hours and only does when she needs something. She used to abuse me for sleeping with my boyfriend at that time telling me "you're a very bad girl". Even after all the beatings I still cared about her, but it all soon faded away and I got sick of her and her slutish antics, so I moved out 8 moths after when I could afford my previus home. She never even bothered to call.
Ms. Flowers had comed back and so did Soo Yi. She moved in with me and became my roommate. Ms. Flowers went back to being my therapist and already I was annoyed by her questions but I told her everything.
"My aunt came back. She expected forgiveness but I just shut her out as if she had never existed. I still feel lonely at times and memories of what had happened 2 years ago with Soo Yi's husband were coming back almost every night I slept. I stayed my sleepless self awake for hours and didn't go back to sleep."
"Have you had sleeping pills, or anything can help you with that issue?"
"I have but nothing works, not even the strongest of the sleeping pills"
"You do realize this can be dangerous, right?. If you don't sleep or eat this might be shows of depression. I believe that the cause of that certain depression is mostly from your loneliness and dark memories."
"I'm a broken doll. My legs control me but I still fall. My past IS a dark one and I don't know how to erase of it away. I have killed 2 people in the last few years and suffered through rape, abuse, and almost death by Soo Yi's ex-husband. How do you expect me to forget all that?"
"I will give you some recommended pills that will help you sleep and more energetic. Look, I know you have suffered and that it's too much to get away from, but if you just try to not let your mind control what you think and control it yourself maybe your depression can go away in no time".
"We'll see about that"