"Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking, when you fall everyone stands."
The words from this song have been with me for over a decade. I remember covering it with my first band. I sang it like it was the last song on earth.
"When all you gotta keep is strong, move along, move along like I know you do, and even when your hope is gone, move along, move along just to make it through."
Those words are ringing in my ears as I type this, and as some days fly by without mercy, throwing me farther and farther into that uncomfortable hole of depression I've come to know so well...they won't leave me alone.
When you find yourself closer and closer to figuring things out, the floor tends to drop away from underneath you. And you fall, closer and closer to where you started, except now you're not blissfully ignorant. You're completely aware of how much you've screwed up.
I was talking with my mother the other day, and she always makes sure to talk me down when I'm considering making a rash decision or crying until I get that headache behind my eyes that puts me out of commission for a few hours. You know the one, that bawling feeling, pressure in your eyelids and under your sockets. The tears can't flow out fast enough, so you just hold your breath and think about a day far beyond this one, where this will seem small.
Events and experiences end up defining people, and right now, as I stand, I am defined by a complete disillusion and dissatisfaction. It's hard to feel like you're moving forward when you feel as if there are giant coarse ropes tied to all of your limbs, pulling you back three feet every time you move four forward.
Always move forward, going straight will get you nowhere.
And as I think about all of the choices that got me to this point, I have to wonder if I made a wrong turn, if I didn't work hard enough, or if I let my emotions get the best of me. All I know is that I'm unhappy. I'm unhappy. There, I said it out loud. That's a small victory right.
Yes, I'm not an inherently happy person, I never have been, but for me...appreciating those times where I feel joy is a must. And right now, in the middle of a coffee shop in California, this song is bringing me joy, strength and hope. I can do this.
Move Along by The All-American Rejects is teaching me something all over again. Sometimes, all you have to do is hang on, wait until the weight is lifted and move forward. There is no choice.
A single person can only accomplish so much. And as 3AM and I meet again, I'm questioning that notion. How much can I do before I fall apart?
Not much more.
The secret to moving along, is to understand that no matter how successful or put together the people around you seem...they're struggling too. They might not be as visual about it or as open. They might not cry or scream or make art or write words to heal their wounds, but they feel it too.
Pressure is a universal thing. In this day and age, with the job market in dirt, the student loans in the sky and us...crawling along trying to make room for ourselves in this hopeless and desolate world, we have no choice...but to move along.
"When everything is wrong, we move along."
And though you might relegate these feelings to a song that you fell in love with 10 years ago, they still ring true. When all you have is your own strength...you can call upon music like this to remind yourself how you were. That idyllic state of hope that high school provides is long dead and gone, but we can pull ourselves up. At 20, at 30 at 40, doesn't matter.