Bernie Sanders is one of the most beloved political figures in recent history. He's kooky, endearing and actually has a lot to say about the issues that matter.
Your love life isn't one of those issues, but if we can play a little pretend here, and I know we can, let's just imagine that for a second Bernie isn't worried about ISIS and the economy.
1. "A nation will not survive morally or economically while so few have so much and so many have so little."
Yes, to all you serial monogamists out there, I can't help but wonder...why are you getting all the guys while I'm on my fourth Gin and Tonic in a pair of 400 dollar shoes? Hmm...inequality indeed. Hey, where's the American spirit!? Free enterprise!? Bernie's got you covered. Equal dating opportunities for all!
2. "The American people are sick and tired of hearing about your damn e-mails."
...and your text messages, and your tweets and quotes and Instagram captions talking about your damn relationship. Update your relationship status if you must, but please, just give it a rest.
3. "There is too much shouting at each other. Too much making fun of each other."
Yes, debates are rough, but so are relationships. Bernie might sense some of the strife you're feeling if you're in a relationship that isn't going too well. Just feel the Bern, and start acting like an adult. Nothing gets solved by fighting.
4. "Injustice is rampant."
Yes, and the new price for Manolo Blahniks this season is wrong too! But everything aside, why do some people get all of the attention and I get the dudes who want to start conversations with pictures of their...well, you know. Anyway, I digress.
5. "We're going to have to do something pretty hard."
Yeah, like find someone to hang out with after getting out of a long term relationship, or we can just wallow and forget about leaving the house anytime soon. Moving on...
6. "Can these guys talk about anything besides their desire to go to war?"
Yeah, and can they please start taking us to actual movies rather than Netflix and Chill?
7. "If you go to Scandinavia you'll see that they have a much higher standard of living."
Maybe we should just move to Scandinavia, do they have Tinder there? Or should we just do it the old fashioned way? Eh...who cares... if Bernie says Scandinavia is better, then Scandinavia is better.
8. "Ben is a person, Jerry is a person, Ben and Jerry's is not a person."
Yes, Sanders might have been talking about the rights of businesses, but just because you're single doesn't mean you have to sit at home with Ben and Jerry right? They're NOT people. Go out there and find yourself a person, and when all else fails, just remember that there may be a Ben or a Jerry out there for you. Or a Brenda or Jenny...you know, to each his own.
9. "They've got the money, but we've got the people."
Yes, your boyfriend may have a great job at Goldman Sachs..but mine...mine is an artist! And Bernie Sanders knows the great benefit to dating a human rather than a wallet. Right? Hello? Anyone?
10. "I suspect I would vote yes on legalizing Marijuana next year."
Maybe if people were high all the time, relationships and dating would just be easier in general.
Peace, Love and Bernie. That's all.