Valentines Day approaches, and what better day to celebrate the LOATHING and ILL-WILL you bear your enemies? NONE! That's right, the Princess of Love is picking back up her mantle as the PRINCESS OF DOOM (title bestowed by Lord of Doom himself, @quietone) and providing you with indispensable tips on how to MAKE VALENTINES FOR THOSE YOU DESPISE.
FIRST OF ALL, Valentine Hearts are an oft-overlooked and yet ideal vessel for messages of HATRED. They are:
1) Stealthy. Your enemies will lower their defenses, expecting words of love, when instead you are HEAPING INSULT AND CURSES UPON THEM.
2) Occasion-Appropriate. BECAUSE THEY REPRESENT THE BODY PART YOU WOULD MOST LIKE TO STAB THEM IN.
3) Pleasantly colorful. What better color scheme for an evil plot than CALMING PASTELS.
And finally, best of all, they are:
4) Edible. Which is perfect for when you plan to POISON YOUR ENEMIES or get hungry while planning their downfall and need a snack.
There are lots of EVIL MESSAGES you can send in candy heart form. Such as:
NO is a simple and elegant way to tell someone NO, I DO NOT WANT YOU TO BE MY FRIEND. Because you are my ENEMY and I DO NOT LIKE YOU.
Nope is like NO, only more casual. Its evil subtext is NOPE, THIS CANDY HEART IS CERTAINLY NOT POISONED except for yes it is.
DROP DEAD is an appropriate Valentines message for those you wish to DROP DEAD BECAUSE THIS CANDY HEART IS MOST CERTAINLY POISONED. I'M NOT EVEN TRYING TO HIDE IT ANYMORE! MWAHAHAHA
And finally, for the enemies who merely annoy you, rather than vex, infuriate, or TORMENT YOU WITH THEIR HAPPY SMILES AND ATTEMPTS AT FRIENDLINESS (curse them!) there's always CAN U NOT. It is the sassiest evil message, and perfect for when you would like your EVIL to go unnoticed (but you would still like your enemies to CEASE AND DESIST).
Of course, if a Valentines Heart message is not an appropriate way to RAIN THE FIRES OF DOOM upon your enemies, then may I suggest an ADORABLE CARD. It will charm them EVEN AS IT BRINGS THEM TO THEIR KNEES.
Deceptively cute themes include everyday nouns such as Bear, Train, and Bakery. But really, underneath all the cuteness is PURE, UNADULTERATED EVIL.
Now, I know that this is Villainy 101 for most of you, but you should never forget the power of SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING. Consider adorning some stationery with messages such as:
Life without YOU would SUCK
I HATE when YOU aren't here with me
when YOU'RE not with me i feel A PAIN in my heart
I WOULD never KILL YOU, because I like you
I would GO TO HELL and back to see you
I don't HOPE YOU DIE
I hope you too will celebrate Valentines Day BY DANCING UPON THE CORPSES OF YOUR ENEMIES and BRINGING DESTRUCTION TO ALL THOSE WHO WOULD DARE DEFY YOU.
@ARNELLI ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED