Dynamo
2 years ago10,000+ Views
"Don't Give Up On Me"
I suffer (and I highly emphasize suffer) from Bipolar I Disorder, which is also known as Manic Depression. I've been diagnosed for about 5 months now, but I'm sure I've had it for a longer time. With this disorder, it is very hard to have a solid thought about anything. Because of that, I find it very hard to make decisions, plus it doesn't help that I was also diagnosed with Impulse Control Disorder. But what I want to say is this: Don't Give Up On Me.
My thoughts betray me at any given time. Sometimes I can be having a great time with my friends and as soon as I leave, I tell myself that I should probably stay away from them because they don't want me, or that I'm keeping them from doing stuff they like to do or other stuff like that. I see now that those thoughts don't even make sense, yet my brain goes under a stance and won't be reasoned with. In reality, what would make me really happy is if my friends actually refused to hang out with me now and then. It would mean that they are putting other things first instead of having to rearrange plans to accommodate me. The last thing I want is to force someone to be my friend.
There was this girl I had known for a long time but didn't actually start talking to her until my Senior year. She was my first love, as well as my first heart break. I put her through hell, yet she still stayed with me. But my mind had other plans. We got into an argument one day during school and when I got home, I texted her saying that we should break up. It was the worst mistake of my life. I lost it and had to go to a mental hospital called UBH. That's where I got an initial diagnosis of Depression and Anxiety Disorder. If I could sacrifice anything and everything to go back to that day, I wouldn't even think twice. I got out after spending a week in there, and she was there waiting for me. Even after that horrible thing I did to her, we still kind of tried to make it work. It almost did again but she told me she couldn't anymore. She cut all ties with me when last summer began. I ended up going to the hospital again after cutting my wrist with a pocket knife. The wound was deep and needed stitches. Now I have a scar that the whole world can see, and it makes me sad everytime I see it.
She eventually talked to me again. My feelings arose as soon as I started talking to her again. She told me that she had been watching and asking about me ever since she left. I was touched. I believe that she was waiting for me to be better, and in my opinion I was. I had gotten a job and was going to school full time. I mean, in my eyes, I was as normal as normal can get. I thought that I was finally going to fix things and make everything right. But I was wrong..
The reason she kept track of how I was doing was because she was scared. She was scared that I would end up dead. She insisted that she cared for me, but not in the romantic sense. She even mentioned how she was attracted to someone else. My heart broke. But I wanted to be her friend. I didn't want to lose her again, so I fought with my mind. I fought night and day for my love for her to leave but right when I thought I was ok, it would come back with a sucker punch and I would put her through hell all over again. Just recently, about 2 days to be precise, I finally told her that I had lost feelings for her. I told her that I didn't love her and that being friends would be difficult given the current situation. That was the last thing I told her. She didn't respond back. Was I lying? I don't know. Am I going to miss her? I don't know. All I know for sure is I want her to be ok. I want her to be happy and not watch over me like a parent would; I've already got doctors and actually parents doing that.
I cut out the most important person in my life. I don't know if it's for the best, but I know her staying is just hurting her. I don't want her to fear me dying. I don't want anyone to fear that. I'm the only one who should fear that, because only I can say if it's time for me to go, unless fate has different plans but I doubt it would be that easy.
This title is very selfish. I'm basically asking you to keep putting up with my annoying shit. And it's ironic because sometimes, I, Myself, can't even put up with it. So I'm not gonna ask you to stay with me if you can't, I've seen what that does to a relationship and I don't want that. But please, if I hurt you, it's not me. If I yell at you, it's not me. If I say I don't want to see or talk to you, it's not me. I love all of my friends. I really believe that they saved my life. The first time I went to the hospital, all of my friends wrote me letters that I still have today. I don't read them because I don't want to remember how I felt that day, but I can still remember the love I felt from them. So please, don't give up on me, even if I give up on myself.
There are many people out there going through the same thing as I am, or even worse. I wanted this card to offer at least some insight into the mind of someone suffering so as to understand it better. What sucks about this disease is that it can affect anyone at all, even if you don't suspect it. So please, if you are going through tough shit and feel hopeless or depressed, seek help. Talk to your friends or see a psychiatrist. Don't let it get to the point where you end up in a hospital like me because if it does, then the disease will win. So again, seek help. As for people who know someone is going through this, understand that they love you. You are their happiness and they rely on it, but don't hover around them. Be patient and give us space. It's hard and you probably won't get it right a couple of times, but please, don't give up. Thank you.
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If there's a chance that I can help, even a little bit, I think it's worth it. I won't hesitate. I have dealt with a lot of demons and pulled myself out of the darkness the hard way. So, I'd rather make the effort than do nothing. ( ^ω^ )
2 years ago·Reply
I feel the same way completely @gayorchick96
2 years ago·Reply
What hit me most while I've read this, is that it is all perfectly normal. @dynamo, I thank you for opening your heart like that, but I think you should know that there is nothing "crazy" with what you think and feel. Many people, probably even all people have heartbreaks and disappointments and second thoughts. Its just that they won't share them as openly as you did.
2 years ago·Reply
depression is not easy. There will always be feelings of self-loathing and worthlessness. You have come a far way. Keep up the good fight. Never give up.
a year ago·Reply
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