"Are you serious!? Thats crazy are you gonna tell her?" Annabelle said surprised "No Im not gonna fucking tell her wheres the spontanity in that?" She shook her head "Bubba the last thing you need is to be more damn spontanious, when are you going?" More than anything I wanted to say right the fuck now this second but I couldnt. There was too many loose ends that needed tightening before I could go. "After your date in case the fucker hurts you then Ill hurt him." She nodded and hugged me tight against her "Let me guess your gonna skateboard and pack while Im with Trey?" The way she said his name made me roll my eyes to the ceiling. He better not hurt her I could tell she really cared about this one which is a little rare to have.
"And?" I asked raising an eyebrow Belle put her hands on her hips and her eyes directly in mine and said with a sarcastic tone, "And to call you the minute we part so you know Im ok and blah blah blah." Nodding in approval I replied equally smart, "Good and dont you fucking forget it." Annabelle hugged me again "Im gonna go now try to stay out sight this time." My sister knew me so well "Hey your the only one that ever actually sees me. Now be careful ok Ill be there soon I love ya." Belle got her purse and smiled happily "Ok bubba well be at the park I love you too dearest brother." We both walked outside as I locked the door behind me and watched as she pulled out and drove off.
Spending time with my sister isnt exactly my favorite thing in the world to do but shes family. What can you do? My stomach started flipping every which way....great I know where this is goin. Anxiety was attacking hard from all sides. From my guts too my throat everything was shaking literally and I knew why. This happens every time something big is about to happen and I was nervous. Looking down at my shakin hands I tried to breath slowly. Everything would ok or at least thats what I was telling myself. Theres so many things running around and spinning through my mind. All of the old fears came back again and hit me hard. So many things were wrong with me especially with what Sherelle wants in life. What if I cant give it to her? I dont want that for her and science will probably be too late for me to be able to give her what she wants. A family..... I want to give her that more than anything but due to obvious reasons I cant and it breaks my heart.
Within the next day the true test of our love will begin and I might not be happy with the answer. In a way I kinda wished I already knew the answer of whats gonna happen. Back in my car I drove over to my plave as all these thoughts kept swimming through my brain. What if she left me what would I do? What if love really isnt always enough to beat anything? Even though the last thing I want is a broken heart I have to put all on the line. Whether I want to or not I kinda have to if I wanna hit the jackpot. With love you always have to go for broke in some way at one point or another. No matter how much you bet or how broke you go you can always lose your ass nothing is guarenteed. Love is the one addiction that almost everyone has, everyone wants it and theyll do anything for it.
Inside my place I grabbed my black duffle bag and threw it on the bed then sat down. How long should I even pack for? Fuck if I know. I slowly got up and looked around then started to toss in some clothes. Lucky for me all I wear is black with a little navy blue and dark red so I dont have to match much. Then I went to my bathroom and got my stuff from in there my soap towel brush deoderent and spray. Check. There really wasnt much I needed when I really thought about it. Taking a deep breathe I grabbed one of my knives and tossed it in, one too many trans related horror stories I never left home without one. Glancing around I saw my guitar staring at me Ive had it since I was fourteen.
No matter how many times I tried or how hard I worked at it I could never get the hang of it. I guess Im just not meant to play it so now it just stares at me. I could never sell it though I dont have the heart Im too attached to it. After everything was loaded I grabbed the bear I bought for her awhile back and put it in the passenger seat. Right before I finished I tossed my spare skateboard in my trunk and went back inside.
My place is as empty as its ever been but when I get back hopefully itll be fuller than I can ever imagine. There was a calm silence that filled my house now. Everything was actually neat for once or at least neat to my standards. Finally I shut the door behind me I might not have to be alone anymore when I open it the next time. The prospect left me with a giant smile on my face as I got in my car. With everything loaded in and packed up it was time to head over to the park. Once I got there I looked around and saw her under a tree smiling. The guy she was with I assumed was Trey her smile put me at ease.
I pulled my board and helmet out of the trunk which is the only things I needed to skate. The only protection I used was a black helmet with energy drink stickers all over it. My board was a darkstar since Ive always had a soft spot for them since I started.
To look casual I rode around some to warm up and kept an eye on them as I skated up the path. After a couple minutes of skating around I did a kick flip. If I was going to be believable I needed to do tricks even though I wasnt a pro yet. There was just something about skateboarding that helped me. It calmed me down I did a pop shuv it and landed it then skated around a bend. Thats when I realized I havent thought about cutting yet today. I didnt even take the time to make sure I had one packed. Nailing a heel flip I knew I had one in my wallet but I didnt wanna use it yet.
Usually I wanted to use it at least six or seven times if not more but not today. The urge hasnt really come up yet I heard a laugh pierce through the air and looked at my sister. She was wearing a big smile again and I took a sigh of relief. At least she was happy for a change my Belle needed it. God knows she hasnt had it easy. Just like how I havent either I guess thats why were good siblings. We have that understanding with each other.
Belle doesnt really fully understand me only one person can do that. Like how I probably dont fully understand my sister either there are just some things we cant understand. Thats with everyone though I decided to sit in the grass and take a break. As I looked up at the sky I began second guessing my decision to do this. After all would Sherelle really want this? Would she be ready for me to take her away? Then that familiar urge started to kick in I knew it was only a matter or time.
Maybe I could do it once before I go to hold me over for awhile. If my sister found out though there would be a brand of hell to pay. Slowly I got up and skated over to the bathroom and ducked in a stall. Safe inside the bathroom by myself I rolled up my sleeve. It held scars on the middle of my forearm. All self inflicted and needed for my own sanity and mental health. There was a reason I wont quit but Im the only one that knows it. No one would understand it would just sound insane to them when its really not. I sat on the toilet and held my beat up bill a bond wallet in my hand. Just once wont hurt anything right?