I haven't been able to write anything real in a while. I'm not sure what the deal is, I just don't have any inspiration. And you know, writers pull that shit when they're feeling lazy and indifferent.
I guess you can just call me lazy or indifferent.
How do we cope when life is just coasting us along? Nothing is really happening. Days come and go without any significant changes or memories attached, weeks fly by. We have nothing to look forward to, and in times of sheer desperation we succumb to buying things we don't need or forcing ourselves out of the house to do things we don't want to do.
Is it human adaptation to partake in the ordinary? Do we get so sick of pushing the envelope that we cease to close it all together? I'm not sure, but as the Bay Area sun comes out for a limited engagement I can't help but wonder what happened to the old me.
You know, the person who took risks and learned things and created new ways of doing things? Where did she go. Tucked behind this new life in a new city is someone who is just clamoring to get into trouble.
There is none here. I can't even meet it halfway. I don't know anybody. And whenever the moment strikes me, to make a new friend, I'm impossibly crippled by self- doubt and dissatisfaction.
If I believe there is nothing special about me, then how in the hell can somebody else believe that there is.
Moments like these make you want to go and jump off the Golden Gate bridge. Apparently, it's the most popular spot in the world for suicide.
Days like this, sunny ones can sometimes become introspective nightmares. One second you're feeling like a well-adjusted adult, and the next you're like, "But why? Why am I well adjusted? I'm young. Shouldn't I be having fun?"
Fun. Now that's a concept that has never held much weight for me. Fun to me is progress, and it appears that I'm not making any. I'm stuck. Doomed to keep clicking over and over again with no signs of momentum, forever buried under the weight of my self-doubt and lack of opportunities. I need a change, but I can't seem to make one.
I wonder what is holding me back?
I think it's the way I look.
No, it's the way I think.
Who knows. Everything is an excuse. Honestly, what's holding me back is myself. It is my body, the way I look, the way I think. But, it's also society and the expectation that in this day and age by 23 you should have amassed an empire by now. Anything less is utter and intense failure. Maybe I'm just not good enough.
Don't have millions of followers on Instagram, Facebook or Twitter?
You don't matter.
Don't have a killer internship with a major company?
Don't have a fitness blog worthy of re-posts?
Don't have a path that is worth Tweeting about?
You don't matter.
The most important thing is that we allow ourselves to be defined by these things, but do we have a choice anymore? When this stuff is being shoved in our faces 24/7. Do we even have a right to live off the grid anymore?
Honestly, isn't it about time that we should have evolved past this?
Instead its gaining motion. Even my parents are watching their follower count.
Grandma's on Facebook commenting and liking everything. It's incredible. Existential woe can't even begin to cover how out of touch I feel.
20 years ago, you were doing well if you graduated from school and got a job. Now, everyone's in the empire business. And no matter how hard I've worked...I just can't keep up.